The Baby In Me

2011-11-09T15:04:00.002+08:00

Its things like these that really make me question why I'm doing what I do.

yea, I do the things that need not be seen,

maybe to some, the things I do really seem so superficial

and the work others do really becomes recognised.

I'll always be smiling,

always tell the guys 'I'm okay, daijobu'

smile and hide a broken heart.

told once that I cannot hide my feelings very well...

so the turmoil of accepting this result becomes really...difficult.

how to maintain a straight face without revealing my feelings?

I'll need some time to adjust, to calm down.

I believe I've already crossed that fine line of commander and men.

too friend already.

trying to maintain my ideals, trying hard to create a presense

to gain some respect.

then again, I feel that my actions are too transactional,

always expecting something in return.

I don't know if I can continue like this...building such fragile bonds.

wishing that what I do with my guys would be reciprocated in turn.

in the end...it just feels that I'm just a 2LT, a 'sir' to my guys

another oddity to my specs,

a liability to my BC.

i'm incompetent, useless, and a wastrel.

Am I just an attention seeker, hoping that someone will comfort me?

I once was, am I still the same, even after 2 years trying to change?

dreaming of how I could be someone bigger

turns out,

I lack the ability to be anything ever smaller than myself.

today, just for today,

will someone just please validate my existence?

2011-09-11T21:26:00.002+08:00

A great, intense pain that won't go away.
and I'm just slowly killing myself everyday
God knows, I may actually try something soon.
Can't fight the tears that won't come.
Can't live a life sold.

Betrayed, mislead and again, I'm the one to be cast aside.
I hurt but I keep it to myself
I lust but i find the solace to keep it down
in life there is no peace
Death is the greatest escape.

2011-08-24T22:23:00.002+08:00

Through the smoke and ash.

I'll like to change just one part.

my birth.

like a storm I came through,
to this world of regret.
a world where I could not be happy.
at least not for long.

If i could just end it.
or turn the waves of my time.
but its impossible.
treading the path of uncertainty
of FOOLISHNESS.

too old to worry no more,
I die.

The people.

2011-08-23T08:07:00.002+08:00

Ghost.

Memento Mori.

A scream.

the horror.

Me.

wrecking ball pieces.

Regret. Always regret.

hypocrite around me.

die already.

2011-07-19T21:26:00.002+08:00

A million things I want to say
but who to hear them anyway?
I'm very confused with the pain
but I retain my senses through the faze.

I have a severe lack of direction right now.
if I'm not getting my Uni this year,
then for what purpose have I signed on?
it was merely for the sake of my education,
but with things not going as planned
and ORD impending, have I made another grave choice
one that I've come to regret

must I really come to accept that I'm bound by failure
that I cannot make a decision that will make me look back with pride,
that would set me at ease? where have I not seen and deliberated long enough?
is my entire life a mistake?

I think it matters not if I was born this way or that
nothing under my hands will come to fruition

and I curse the day I was conceived
the union that gave me life
inadvertently sealed my death.

2011-07-17T21:12:00.003+08:00

A few things rather confusing.
but just with the flow.
mixed feelings.
hasn't that always been the case.

tortured to no end.
Had a migraine yesterday, so i'll tag it here.
JH prolly thought I pangsey again.
haiz.

you don't need the effort to keep them close to you
those who you care for the most are the ones you always neglect.
simply because they will always be out on the limb for you.
its those who will never keep, that you want to spend a little more time with
at least you could say 'we just fell apart'

for all the effort, I could never change
for baby, I was born this way.

2011-06-27T11:11:00.002+08:00

Funny how stick men can be funny

funny how irritated I am right now.

her bdae today,

hope she doesn't read this place.

what came from a birthday wish

turned out into a conversation...

that for a while

put me on a rather high cloud.

till she reminded me of her boy.

well, she's attached, she's happy, so who am I to say anything about it?

very confused right now.

will start work soon.

if only to bury myself in the monotony of it.

come to think of it, my Uni also not settled

and its supposed to be in July, right?

great. the constant stress in my head, and I've not gotten a holiday yet.

I'll need one, definitely.

just what do I want, really?

die die die die die die die.

2011-06-14T11:06:00.004+08:00

Maybe it was a mistake letting go

I realise the fondness that I still have for you.

you've affected me,

a million ways in one.

your smile, your funkyness

if only the others didn't happen...

would I then have stood the chance to stand committed, next to you?

I feel like I'm caged within the cell of my own mind

unable to express myself

always taking on the world like it hates me.

like a hatter in a box

waiting on someone to sing my song.

Really, I don't understand

why does everything have to collapse all around me every time I find something to hold on?

but yea, like I told Sanjiv, if life were fun it wouldn't be life.

If it were duty before self

then when will it be enough?

I'm 20, I'm old.

I'm no longer "too young to worry"

I'm a 'sir.' I'm doing a real job, no longer some part time commitment.

I should be responsible, mature and take things with stride

but how do I tell me that,

when I can barely focus for 1min

jump from distraction to the next.

I struggle so much with myself everyday

its like a war only without the blood.

but there will always be tears.

the real fighting the imaginary.

and who ever wins, I always lose.

if there ever was a reason to hate me,

there needn't be.

cos I'm me.

2011-06-07T19:22:00.002+08:00

one way street with no return.
that's life ain't it.
just sigh.
there's too much for me to take recently
maybe I need some support from the stress of things
you know, those that I've no control over
things just slip my mind, my meaning less and less.

my future lies in His hands no doubt.
making it my own doesn't seem to get me the results I need.
I guess I can never leave God behind.
no matter how little time i spend with Him in prayer
no matter how much I curse scream and hate Him in defiance
His love always touches me and serves as the all important reminder:
I was created to be loved.

either by family, friends, girlfriend or not...
I'm loved. It just needs a quiet moment and time to realise all these and more
Friends show concern, family give support
but sometimes I just cannot find a way for my thirst to be quenched.

everyday a repeat of the old me, the me I want to change.
mature people don't talk about change...they just do.
but I'm just counting on 2013 that the world will end
now why THE FUCK did I come up with that silly notion????

slowly, consuming
my lust, my greed

one day I'll be seen through for who/what I really am.
sigh,
its getting late.

Maybe the army really wasn't for me.
berating myself all day won't work wonders.
time to find out the answers to the questions people are asking of me.

I hate me.

2011-05-14T01:11:00.002+08:00

Sometimes...
I just love this place...
all my blueberries are here
the forsaken ones, the happy ones, the sad ones
the heartbreak ones

I guess this year I'm finally 20?
big two there. and what have I done so far?
a lot of misses.
many to count
reminded me of mistakes not to make...which I went on to do anyway.

hahah, actions have always been so much louder in my life.
and as my time slowly runs out, how?

everytime I come back here I see how much I grow
how much more darker I become
or the light moments that become lighter.
the itsy bitsy things that make me, me.

turmoil and peace...all reflected here
I'm happy that I've kept this blog...
feelings to share, feelings that people get to know about
my life...short
my will to live...shorter haha!

wish you were here
to hold my hand.

2011-04-23T23:10:00.002+08:00

How stupid.
throwing money down the club like that
Someone remind me not to go there ever again.
Cigarettes, drink...
sometimes I wonder what I looking for.
:/

someday.
I'll find out why I'm here on this Earth.
till then, everyday seems to be a chore.
not emo, just saying things as it is.
If I can be sure that there would be no afterlife...
then I'll live to the end.
but if there's no end....then I see no damn point in carrying on and on.
meaningless existence.

you can gyrate all you want babe
but you'll end up the only one hurting
crave all the attention you want
the impression of a loose girl.

but my heart breaks everytime I see you cry
hurting, but not wanting to do anything
not able to do anything
Don't dance the night away
sway in my arms instead.

2011-04-17T21:31:00.002+08:00

where the cherry blossoms go
there my heart must follow

A Japanese love story
filled with hardships plenty
tragedy. memory
a great regret fills the hollow.

lost at sea
the ship sails aimlessly
my boat with nowhere to go
I'm tortured to no end

seeking some peace

2011-04-17T02:03:00.003+08:00

I'm feeling really heavy right now.
pure utter meaningless.
the night was Comms ball.
but I didn't feel a thing.

except for the ride back home.
that was the best time i had the whole night
I'll love to talk like that again.
just you and me and a little palm tree.
but I won't press
for my head knows best
that the fleeting black
would lead to another mess.

I'm indebted to you
but now i hope that my payment made good
friends for life.

sorry.
I'm feeling alot of inner turmoil at the moment
it shouldn't bother anyone, really
but I'm really lonely at times.
and sometimes...
my heart would just melt
I wish you would see me differently
but its okay.
there's too much stigma behind
lost baggage.

and I don't think I'm ready to make up yet
maybe you're going out of your way totally
but somehow...the bonds have been shattered
building on ruins will only cause trouble in the future
but at least, we don't hate each other anymore.

commissioning, comms ball, unit life
significant landmarks supposedly
but there's really no purpose to what I'm or have been doing.
someday I'll find that meaning.
sigh.

2011-03-19T22:53:00.003+08:00

Guess I'll rather hurt...
than feel nothing at all?

but having been hurt so many times before...
its strange...masochistic
I don't know what I truly want at this point in my life
living day to day...
wasting the hours, hoping that I'll die soon enough perhaps.

Its really pointless I think
I really have nothing much to live for...
my belief in God makes me want to die all the more
but think I'll never see beyond the pearly gates.

I'm just not looking forward to anything
my soul, so broken
hurting so much.
eternity is now...every second aching.

I don't want to live with myself anymore...
wish I could change...
someone brilliant
but this are just my rantings...
haiz. my heart hurts so much

soft lips, gentle caresses.

2011-03-18T23:16:00.002+08:00

Just felt a little down today...
nothing much, actually haha.
rather nice to sleep and wake in your own bed
guess its a feeling that I've not gotten over :3

red as the blood that you shed from me
dyed unto the soulless strands that adorn your head

I need to stop holding on
and start moving on.
I'm crazy for holding on to this grudge for so damn long...
seriously.

Bored? or very lonely..
everyday has less and less meaning
wish 2012 would arrive and take us all away

2011-03-13T12:57:00.002+08:00

You've completely destroyed my love for the celestial bodies.
I can never look at the threesome belt the same way ever again.
they hold too many painful memories.

Strangers or friends?
I don't believe we will ever be close again.
Fuck this.

Thailand was a blast...literally.
boom
the sound of the thunderous guns.
the Artillery at its best.
loved the night sky...the skies so clear...
the stars...like how they used to be.

mosquito infested as well.
HORRIBLE experience I tell you.
so many scabs from all the scratching...
Brr.

RnR...just quite boring.
very very boring.
got more whiskey. scotch whiskey.
so now i got 3 blend and 1 single. LOL.

booking later on.
hopefully can last the week till ACPC.
then...
its 2LT HONG JIAN HAO, GABRIEL.

2011-02-23T22:59:00.002+08:00

A nauseating day.
I.e. migraine.
So I'm gonna tag it here.

haiz, far from perfect day.
didn't do anything weird today...
glad for that at least.

the same nervous feeling all over again...
the one where you're not sure you're fully prepared for the tasks set out b4 you..
its going to be 2 very long weeks. or if you think about it...
4days of intenseness...1 day of rest...
then 4 more days of pure weight lifting and shagness.
but I guess that's all that Battle King will encompass.
And I'll come back a tougher man.
I hope.

one that someone out there is pining for.
the stuff of dreams that never happen to me.
denied, time and time again.
and with this one...
you think I'll even dare to jump?

so many inhibitions..
so much weight.
so much pain, so much pain.

last of the bunch
to be plucked.
but with all the others having wilted
the only thing I'm prepared for is to be jilted.

neither the past, present nor future
holds any promise.
I can only live on
but I'm all ready to pass on.

not that getting together would make things any better.

2011-02-03T00:03:00.002+08:00

hey.
sahshiburi da ne.

Chinese New year come and gone.
great holiday
I just hope nothing goes wrong.

CNY is very much different for me
since I've such a small extended family.
kinda boring, since there's no real crowd or hoo ha.
but its still family I guess.

means also less ang pao money hHAHAHA
and less interactions, cousin-ly fun.
but its the only day in a year i get to eat with my dad.
strange, huh.

wrote a poem thinking about you.
about why I should not be thinking about you.
but its a chain, and I won't refrain
from loving you the way it should.

but that's if.

got burnt too many times alrd. and you'd think this time I'll learn
that I'm not the one, ever.

2011-01-31T09:34:00.002+08:00

am i good company?

u're acting very much different you know.

after the dust settles, you'll see i'm just like anybody. broken, disillusioned and waiting on the right one for change.

don't let it be me. i'm not worthy.

gossip mongers. but i did get a twinge of jealously

wish i were more dashing and charming. then maybe i could have gotten the girl of my dreams. sigh.

2011-01-18T19:08:00.001+08:00

If I'm feeling way too damn good
things really do go wrong.
I hate it all
BURN.

2011-01-07T23:51:00.002+08:00

rage. not a great feeling aint it.
just been harbouring so much anger again.
like a fucking potion of fire ..just waiting to expolde sky high.
1st the situation in camp...now home. there will be no peace for me. sigh

2011-01-01T00:03:00.002+08:00

Like hell anything would change.

na, I'm just being the usual wet blanket
new year and all and nothing really great has happened to me last past.

haiz.
Just wanting to fill up the hole in me
while it stays empty, I guess I'll continue being a sore thumb.

pffft.
This thoughts don't even seem logical.
Brrr, must I always sound so put out.
I don't know.
But so much has been bothering me lately.
Am I letting them bother me or what?
yea, you don't exactly call a friend down for commissioning ball
but she's not exactly a friend either...
I may have let a cat out during our last meeting.

but I like things to be where they are...mostly.
its almost not worth the alternate ending.
OMG, I'm almost beginning to sound like the manga I'm reading currently..
"The World Only God Knows"
of course, no real god, neither a real plot. good for laughs though.

something I'm in need of a lot of the time.

I want to be confident
I want to be proficient
I want to have "sway"
I want to charm.

maybe my exterior appearance is what's been giving me such a bad name
hey, can't blame me for walking like I'm a beng or smth
its my swagger that gives me my punk-ness.
right...

just realised that I cannot be in the same place for too long.
I'll probably die of boredom. therefore 20 years on this planet is enough, no?
sigh.
I'm really getting sick of life on Earth
and I'm not even a proper Christian yet
think the likes of me would go to Heaven?
what with all my sin of the eyes and flesh.
its pure poison.

Boy, 19, in search of a love that will reach the stars
pst for more info.

2010-12-19T19:43:00.002+08:00

The courage to say no
and the wisdom to say yes.

I'm burnt out and ready to go
praying for forgiveness
and praying for peace.

hope the next week goes smoothly.
For what its worth
I hope that I've taken the right steps
for reconciliation...

the excess of damnation.

2010-12-05T18:01:00.000+08:00

The more I stare at you
the more I fall in love.
Miss you so very much.

2010-11-26T22:24:00.002+08:00

i feel a little more than empty right now.
maybe subconsciously the only reason i went to church because i saw someone that made me...entranced by her very self...
and now that i've given up...the yearn for church...or God...never seemed less important than now...i feel...so cold.
so so cold.

Legacy

2010-11-21T19:15:00.003+08:00

I walked past a funeral today...
which made me think back to one HT lesson long ago,
where Hoi told us about how he had a friend who died.

so it got me thinking...how would I be remembered when i do pass on?
I pictured this:
hey, guys, did you hear? Gab died yesterday
some would say: WHAT? HOW?
others: hmmm, so the one who always sought death finally got his wish
or: no surprise, he was always drinking...did he die from that?

that was what occurred to me...
ain't that the impression that I've been giving people?
haha, what a legacy to have left behind, aye.

now, what would yours be?

2010-11-21T00:01:00.002+08:00

its true.
too much of it will damage your brain eventually.
and now....I can already see the subtle effects
the way I look at people....
like poison. deadly destructive poison.

I'm staving off alcohol
smoke
and...
the last one is the hardest of all.

10km in 1 hour...
made me realise how poorly my health is
and how slowly my mind reacts to things...

slick moves
guys in drag
girls with tattoos
I just wanna pop n lock.

2010-11-16T23:51:00.003+08:00

It really was just a bad week
yea, migraine today, so I'll just tag it here

bittersweet, curves that I'll never keep
the perfumed scent unlike any other
a flower, lonely in the desert
an angel, fallen to the ground
many are, the sands of time
blessed are, the ones that sleep at night
for when the last grain should fall
then so will the pretty pretty meteors
that would come to take us all

any fool would see
these are the thoughts that plague my waking dreams
from the girl I would never see
to the end of the world where I'll never live

its just the want, the absence, the childishness that still persists
the immaturity.
maybe its enough to lecture me once
but when you slip in out and out.
I'm must be insane, talking in the third person.

me thinks that maybe I signed on the contract a wee bit too quickly
but its done deal i guess.

And I don't want to be just another statistic
in others' lives.
no.
I wanna be more.
something larger than me.
yes.

2010-11-14T21:23:00.000+08:00

Its not that easy to quit smoking.
It's this bug at the back of your head telling you that you need a stick.
And i just may give in. Maybe I'll just cry and wait for the next day to kill me.
my 7 year crush has finally ended...or maybe it had already died long ago, just like my life a year ago.
lol, luke told me to see a psych and I could laugh and said i was fine...
but right now...
just a bad week k?
don't cause worry for others, you made things bad enough already.

GROW UP, YOU STUPID CHILD.

2010-11-07T01:30:00.002+08:00

one of the best nights of my life.
the friends from ages ago
with liquor that was free

my soul actually felt free.
i could actually let go off evertything.
god is great
lin tong is great
life is great
artillery is great.
maybe i should do more in my drunken stupor.
love would hit me, or a one night stand
i mean, what does it matter really.

I've only felt most of the pain in my life
nth but empty happiness fills my other half

2010-10-31T11:17:00.000+08:00

must it always be this spiralling of good, bad, good, bad vibes all the time?
i swore...ok, not swore but really doing my best to stay off cigarettes and cut down on alcohol...which has been successful but to wat cost? sure, i felt good, felt clean but did i hav real fun last night? and when i was always in vice, my life at home felt so much better. now that i get to find all the good things in life again, my life at home becomes so unbearable.
its almost ridiculous. seriously. must there always be a low point somewhere. MUST THERE?

2010-10-14T10:12:00.001+08:00

I'm going to Brunei today/sunday
and its not very pleasing...
If Singapore's jungles are bad enough,
can't help but think how much worse Brunei can be
but hey, its a one time/1st time kinda thing so it may not be that bad...
I mean, OCS sounded like shit and all but I'm still alive...
maybe, just maybe I'll enjoy it.

really had a damn shag day today...since i got home like at 4am?
the things a druken stupor can give you..or make you do...
now my body is so weak having been doused with so much alcohol throughout the damn night
club hop somemore...
it was more of a bloody sausage fest everywhere...
just can't stand the thought of not going overseas for leisure or relaxed pace..
bah! things like this make me wonder why the hell i sign on...
maybe I should have thought of all these EARLIER!

oh wells, half a year down, 4 1/2 more to go.
I'll live, I'll live.
I am a fickle bastard indeed :(

2010-10-03T00:44:00.003+08:00

Leaving for artillery in 2 weeks time,
and I'm actually beginning to get quite sick of the army and the system
what, we actually get extras for doing a volunteer system
a.k.a the armskote.
and not only that, the 3 damn extras have to be converted to confinement
and a defaulter's parade...wdf.
its not fucking fair that we wake up early, clear rust and sleep late
yet get punishments for not maintaining PAPERWORK.
damn the policy governing firearms in sg
and damn that asshole who took the SAR 21 out of camp so many years ago.

going to see a certain person soon.
rumors are spreading and another fella is jealous i think.
but what more can i ask from a friend.
its not like we're lovers or anything. its just an event.

I swear, I'm becoming more of a wolf than anything else.
its this overwhelming predator hunger...
fucking army staffed with too many guys
and i'm going nuts.

got an appointment that forces me to act differently
from a bubbly active loudmouth to a man with responsibility.
there's this torrent that is just building up
and gaps are forming.
cracking
under intense pressure
so many things
that I cannot tell anyone
maybe Tabitha
but I don't want to bore her with army stuff
the anger, the hurt it just burns
and just when I thought I could actually grow up
I'm just back into the pits again.

It's so fucking painful

2010-08-09T00:02:00.002+08:00

everytime i try i get tongue-tied.
sigh. what an apt description.

I thought I was over with it.
your smile and words just made everything come crumbling down again
and I cannot stand the thought that you're with another.
the sms that cut me when i was in BMT
the incredulity on your face when I told you I signed on.

It really hurts when I try to impress
for I can do is avert your gaze
I don't know what would happen if I tried asking you out
cos I really cannot afford to lose the little I already have with you.
And I'm too afraid of history. beyond terrified.

But it will pass
just as all things before
I'm a destroyer
destroyer of everything good thing in my life
simply because I'm too stupid to enjoy them as they are.

it hurts

2010-07-11T01:24:00.002+08:00

Even wolves are not solitary
but then again I'm no wolf.

I'm very much in 2 minds about my posting..
its lots of pain and suffering
for a recognition which won't get me into Uni...or maybe.
I don't know.
and I really don't want to sign on unless its the last choice...
because overseas study...its a burden I don't want.

And I really want someone by my side
someone to be with...
It ain't even have to be romantic
but that's not what anyone who I'll ask would want to do
I'm repulsive in that way

Saw some chicks at Liquid Kitchen today.
Me wonders at their hot dress, cute faces
sometimes I really just want to be a Casanova
just picking up, fuck and forget.
but its not me.

but just right now, I really just want to treat them like tattle

2010-07-09T18:28:00.002+08:00

OCS.
OCT.
SAFTI MI.

Going to the top of NS, to be an officer.
for 9 months I'll be in torture.
JCC...sends shivers down.
but it'll just be for 9 months.
and then I'll be set :)

2010-06-27T00:58:00.002+08:00

I just feel so emotional this few days.
its like the torrent that's been falling down on the streets the past week.
I'll never be the same and everyday i think about you and I and him.
Permanence.
A scar so wide and deep
a memory that couldn't keep.
you took my breath away that early summer
then you broke my heart that very autumn.
now winter blows in my life
and spring will never arrive.

2010-05-29T16:12:00.002+08:00

Time has stopped.
so empty.
maybe because there will be so little of that kind of contact.
but its good, no?

the touch of another
lingering like a scent so fine
my luck...
no luck maybe.
or just not the right one.
or.
or.
or.
if.

can't wait for field camp to start and be gone
i feel so heavy and tired all the time.
can't say I love you.
Can't say anything much anyway.
I'll just end up another boring story.

2010-05-28T14:25:00.003+08:00

just 4 more weeks to go b4 BMT ends
the biggest mountain remains...
just a little more i guess

to retreat b4 i advance
just 3 years i guess.
3 of diligence to pay for 2 of negligence

shocking, but i expressed feelings
feelings of preference for army living as compared to home life.
G.G
Brainwashed.
Frainwashed.

suffer in anguish, chaos.

2010-05-15T17:56:00.002+08:00

To death's shores we'll go
and from there we'll return.
for the sake of a love.

even if your soul were trapped
your hero will return one day.
alone, helpless, you seek a familiar face
and when darkness closes in
you suddenly find strength as you see the doors open
you struggle and push your way through
even though a thousand unseen hands drag you down
you see your hero with his arms outstretched
and as you embrace the tears will flow
for your hero has come to take you home.

just finished Chrno Crusade. Cried at the end.

2010-05-14T12:44:00.002+08:00

Yearning.
Anguish.
Fragility.
Hatred.
Jealousy.
Protectiveness.
Pain.
Pain, oh so sweet pain.
Sharp and acute
Dull and numbing.
Friends to share it with
Friends to cause it on
Friends to suffer from.

Impart and depart.

2010-04-22T10:35:00.002+08:00

The art is getting better
but the heart is all that really matters

2009-12-18T00:28:00.002+08:00

Its cool.
I lost gold that i never had. lol

one of these days, I'll ike out my style
and feel included.
not like some rag tag drag along.
but its cool
with buddies, you go everywhere.
hopefully they stay buddies. but that's another story
where the wife disdains the guy from going...oh nv mind

should be last post here le ba
new place, new mood, hopefully new maturity.
BYE DESOLACE.

2009-12-15T21:26:00.002+08:00

I <3 Colbie Calliat!!!
and maybe a little Talyor Swift...haha:)

oh yea, just rmb smth from Thailand...
went on 2 dives there, and saw a baby lionfish XD
but the thing was on the way back...
2 Yankees were comparing safety at home and in Thai
and USA failed in comparison
hmmm.

Just dance.
Just do what life gives you
take it live it throw it away.

Its like I've changed.
a year ago, 2 years ago.
a bit of style, a bit of punk
a bit of rebellion, a bit of anxiety
and a lot of regret and anger.

people got together, i got alone.
its like i got thrown the fucker.
but i got buddies. they count for many things.
i got friends. they count for stress and tragedy.
but they have also given me joy and happiness i hardly knew.

its about time i left this place behind.
maybe a new blog with a funky tonk name
or a blog about blueberries
or maybe no blog at all.

haha, used to despise bloggers, not too long ago.
now it seems I'm a blog nut.
can't wait for a week to pass.
I'll love to give it to you.
but the many scenarios that pass thru my head
ring nothing of your sweet smiles.
here goes nothing...

2009-12-15T20:54:00.000+08:00

2009-12-14T19:42:00.003+08:00

Thailand ain't not so fail afterall.
beautiful land, beautiful people.
especially people...hot and sexy XD

thought of you every single day.
crazy i know, sigh.
but deep down i do know that I'm not ready for anything yet
not a partner, nor anything of importance in my life.
and neither am i the best choice.

8 days out of S'pore isn't anything new,
but somehow things aren't the same anymore.
different interests, different people, different times.

soft rock. sweet melodies.
a scene by the beach.
with light streaming down from the setting sun
15. never a better time
18. when life begins to bite hard
sigh.
walk with me, walk with me babe.

2009-12-05T18:58:00.002+08:00

the tears won't go,
yet them I can't show.
its torment all the way
yet i put myself through this mess time and time again.
its not fair.

really, its just not fair.
listening to the wrong music as usual.
violin, when I'm depressed.
piano, when I'm sad

both torture and enjoyment.
last night took a lot out of me.
it could have been almost too much.
really really too much.

but I'll just bow my head in shame
because when it comes to you,
I feel like a fool

tear my eyes from love and song
chains that bound me tight and strong
like spider's silk they can't be seen
yet glisten in the moonlight with dewy mist
and when comes the morn from the east
the chains will become ethereal once more

a haunting melody is your scent
the crush of your body against mine

I could have been better off.

2009-12-04T09:02:00.002+08:00

Its Prom and I'm not really rdy yet.
and it just struck me...A's are really over.
damn i failed it.

needs, wants.
all i want is probably just some comfort.
Idk myself.
maybe its this forlorn acceptance.
nothing will happen.
all those silly optimistic phrases people use...
sigh.
no peace, no end.

2009-12-02T21:18:00.001+08:00

can't get shoes.
GG.

2009-11-30T21:09:00.002+08:00

today was awesome.
Airsoft BB pellet shooting was really imba.
and thrilling
maybe exhilarating.
WHEW.
harsh on the pockets, but really really much fun.

now aching with all the bruises...
in more places than one.
physical and emotional.
gimme a kiss, it will be bliss.
sigh.
A

2009-11-29T22:30:00.001+08:00

you are a mystery to me.

2009-11-25T23:31:00.000+08:00

there is no peace at home.
neither is there anywhere else.
Better stop play WoW like there's nothing else to do.
I could probably kill myself trying to level up.

2009-11-22T20:36:00.001+08:00

JUST ONE MORE FUCKING DAY!!!!!

lol.
if one day your toys had a life, had a spirit,
what would it say?

2009-11-21T09:13:00.001+08:00

2009-11-19T18:54:00.003+08:00

I think I'll make early for school tmr.
seeing as I'm doing shit at home, both literally and figuratively.
i see stars more than i see As.
Have you heard? meteor shower on its way.
now only if I can just do a bit of switching...
yup, you go there, and YOU go there,

Ah, wonderful.
now the stars will look just perfect tonight.
but then again, this is just a fantasy.
where i get to kill everyone in my dreams.

BAM.

2009-11-18T19:34:00.003+08:00

i got lamed by GH big time.

http://www.leekspin.com/

wdf guys, wdf.
it never ends.
and i only got to 6 minutes... :(

econs.
Idk what to do about it.
I sure hope i can excel in it.
but what I'm doing says otherwise.
sigh.

sweet. blueberries.
Primrose.
my body trembles in ecstasy.

At times i just want to tell you and hope you reciprocate
at times i just want to tell you, so that you can tell me no and i can live my life
at times i just want to tell you, so that i can hold you tight at night.
and at times i just want to tell you, so that you could hate me all your life.
I don't know which and I don't know what I want.
I shouldn't torment myself.
i really really shouldn't

2009-11-17T23:11:00.002+08:00

No such thing
No such thing
No such thing.

sigh.
such a dreamy voice...enthralled.
I know a girl
she puts the colour inside my world.
Blue, blue blue berries.

what a blue world.
if only everything were blueberries.
blue as the sky
blue as the sea.
blue as my mood that drives me to sleep.

ah, blueberries

2009-11-16T18:41:00.003+08:00

I wanna run through the halls of my high school
i wanna scream at the top of my lungs!
wooooo

little talents of the music world,
playing beats eternal.

I have the instrument
and just a bit of talent
could i have you as my audience of one?

but it has come where I've run myself dry.
glad for it though.
I've not been me for too long.
starved from my toys and stuff
abandoned for this exam.
will i ever grow up?

I hate piano music
they haunt my every moment everytime i listen to them
too beautiful
too wonderful.

something only people who can dream appreciate.

2009-11-15T20:47:00.000+08:00

a really fucking wasted day.
sleep some more la
and now WoW.
My A's just halfway through, have been screwed.

2009-11-14T20:44:00.001+08:00

It's not working!!!

:(
me sad.
me don't know why suddenly sad,
but sad.

sigh.
It won't work, right?
it just won't...
faltering and stumbling every step of the way to you.

2009-11-13T22:44:00.000+08:00

a touch screen phone is insane difficult to use.
i swear.
zzz

Friday 13th indeed.
Maths was a bummer.
and i got ass-raped by two people in SC.
ZZZ...

oh wells, what a wonderful day...

2009-11-12T20:33:00.002+08:00

a moment for the poet's play
till there's nothing left to say.

do you have an honest heart as your compass?

I'm so going to kick ass.
I must, I will.
Chem and Bio kicked me.
NO MORE.

2009-11-12T11:15:00.001+08:00

yup, love to see cat fights :)

2009-11-11T18:58:00.002+08:00

I wish for this night time to last for a lifetime
The darkness around me - shores of a solar sea
Oh how I wish to go down with the sun
Sleeping
Weeping
With you

just amazing,
breath taking.
Nightwish, nightwish...

I got killed by Bio.
and now I'm really too damn dog tire for Chem
gonna sleep a wink,
and see how things go.

wow, tongue tied and ear clogged when i talked to you.
zzz

2009-11-10T20:30:00.001+08:00

the little blessings that my God gives.

down 15 or more.
and that's the best bet.
but it could be worst.
Thank you Jehovah.

now onto a crucial paper.
Bio and GP.
wow.

2009-11-09T20:57:00.002+08:00

And so it begins
a little more and boy will we have a ball of a time
and after that, even more freedom :)
maybe a little dish of affection may be served as well.
But we'll leave that for the last...haha

Is there anyone out there,
cos its getting harder to breathe...
Whew!

God granted, we'll pull through
we'll all do it.
I promise that.

2009-11-07T23:03:00.002+08:00

I feel useless.
(maybe its true)
My father hates me
(it probably is true)
but in the 1st place he never was a good father
(maybe that's true too)
he was never around
(sometimes)
he only knew how to work
(24/7, you gotta be kidding me)

sigh.
I'm going to get depression.
Its crazy. My smiles are so fake, my laughter so fake.
I live for the moment.
each moment is different, like a day is different from the other (which is also not very different)
one moment I'm all laughter
one moment I'm all pain and suffering
one moment I'm all friends and chum
the next I'm this loner.
I'm...unstable.
but probably sane the next minute.
I hate myself.

2009-11-06T21:44:00.002+08:00

haha, social experiment worked.
FB has apparently ruled everyone's lives.
and I proved something else.
we all really do just fade to black.
at least there were still a few good men.
and one lady.
maybe subtract 2 real men and add 2 more pseudo-ladies.
and at the same time, remove one real woman and make her a pseudo-man.
haha.

"Last year is a stark contrast to this year. Discuss"

bloody hell, quarreled with the father this morn.
good reminder that every other day is the same as the last.

2009-11-05T21:04:00.002+08:00

I pray for the day.
you and I would simply fly away

Master.
of puppets.

If there's nothing to live for the next day,
everyday a repeat, it would seem rational to kill yourself.
irrationality is our point.

Pascal's Wager.
and God knows I'm playing that game.
Poor me.
Legally liable to be charged in a court before I even knew it.

2009-11-04T10:44:00.002+08:00

I often forget that I was once my brother's age.
I often forget that they too, have their own lives outside of home.

I'm bleeding inside.
When a person finally and truly leaves you,
I just need to mend...what?
there's nothing left behind.
not love, oh tosh.
Its a secret public affair, a dirty laundry none care to mention.

Me blogging this early is clear: I'm being driven nuts
by guilt of 2 kinds.

I don't know where my loyalties lie.
and I don't want to be torn into 2 or more again.
Once is enough, and its difficult to rescind what has been said and done.

Japanese songs and music have a surreal feel to it
it wraps you...it calms you...
a myriad of wonders, the Human body.

2009-11-03T22:58:00.003+08:00

is there a descriptive word better than the word fuck?
I desperately need one.

I just spent my time doing maths.
guess what, Mr. Careless jumps into the scene.
Words cannot describe the exasperation that I feel, everytime i do maths
its like THERE'S NO POINT.
and I can't be careful either.
cos I only know when I'm careless after the answer comes out.
FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK!!!!!

Thx for the treat fellas.
I really appreciate.
and I'm glad to bite the dust with you guys...haha

2009-11-02T20:15:00.001+08:00

I want to thrash my com.

2009-11-01T19:55:00.003+08:00

10 mins a day to keep my addiction away.
It works.

so in a jiffy I'll say this ditty
you keep screaming when here I am calling
are you too loud to hear me whispering?
or is your wish to silence me with your voice?

My aid to you is nothing it seems,
but in 5 days to come
a kiss from my fleur-de-lis
to say none the least
would be the greatest bliss.

but a wish would be more than I could ask for
a kiss even more.
hope is destructive, hope will kill.
and I will kill to have that little hope put still.

2009-10-31T21:19:00.002+08:00

divine intervention.

no more computer for the next 7 or so odd days.
not impossible, afterall, all good things can wait.
and frankly speaking,
too many people are becoming less and less worth it.

Facebook and updates will always wait for you to peek at them.
Anime and manga will always be there.
Games...well, there will be alot of gaming after 23 Nov.
Friends...tired of grovelling for attention, giving some out...
7 days.
Girls can wait
Guys can wait.
Studies can't.

Time and Tide wait for no man.

2009-10-31T12:38:00.003+08:00

had a migraine yesterday.
vomited blood, much to my...amusement.
head splitting pain, much like nails to flesh, pound after pound.
its nothing new to me, except for the blood thing.
oh wells, people have periods, i vomit blood i guess.

by evening i was fine,
took a trip down to Kovan and Serangoon.
Hong Kong Cafe for WJ's birthday.
then after-treat at Liquid Kitchen.
Graveyard ain't cheap, and neither was my "Iced-Lemon-Tea"
damn, I'm always poor when i go out with them.

sometimes all you need is a little care.
It just happens I'm not one to have it
neither does one want mine.

all talk and no action,
I'm probably closing eyes cos its a stressful period.
but who knows, some are really just not worth it.

2009-10-29T18:37:00.002+08:00

"Hi there, what would you like?"
"Erm, can I have a smile?"
"Sure we do, and many too! Would you like a fake-ass smile? A beautiful smile? A kinky smile, or is there anything else you would prefer?"
"Erm...how about a normal smile?"
"Sure! Here you go, a normal smile! is there anything else you would like sir?"
"Does this smile come with instructions; I mean, how do you use it?"
"Like this sir, like this..."

see more Lolcats and funny pictures

This for you Andrea.
Stop sleeping late, get some rest.
And don't give up.

maybe I'm just reading it wrong, but we all make mistakes time to time I guess.

My GP essay finally crossed the 30 mark border.
and for a philosophical essay on happiness.
funny, I was brooding and emoing and out came a happy essay.
WoW.

2009-10-28T19:21:00.003+08:00

"Hi Hi how are you?"
"Not too great but thank you."

perhaps if you know what a rabid general is
you will know an identity.
its funny what the internet can produce.

casual talk was easy before
now I can barely ask for more.
its the same, how things are gonna be
I'm a coward, you see.

no one can live on a diet of hope.
faith perhaps, if you twist things a little, but not hope.
And I don't want to sing "Pieces" nor Timbaland's song.
mixnmatch.

2009-10-27T20:50:00.002+08:00

a dreary love, a simple wish
the obsession has died, the hope now pure
but a hope is just a hope,
a minuscule glimmer.

if you're pallid with ill health, I'll take the ills from you
if you're unhappy and hate the world, I'll let you hate me instead.
if all else, be happy?
haha, how hypocritical.

:(

I could ask but you'll say no.
what's the point in ruining everything...again.
its a 1:0 gamble that I'll lose you.
wonderful odds.

2009-10-26T18:26:00.001+08:00

Yet sceptics wonder how credible the ASEAN Intergovernmental Commission on Human Rights, inaugurated Friday at the 15th ASEAN summit, will be. After all, the 42-year-old regional bloc’s members include military-ruled Burma and the communist-ruled Laos and Vietnam, all of which have notorious human rights record. Then there is Singapore, a one-party state that tolerates little criticism, and Brunei, an absolute monarchy.
-Globalissues.org

what an irony.

2009-10-23T20:40:00.002+08:00

its insane.
0430, 0530.
rest without rest.
pain without love.
I'm obsession claimed and its becoming too much.
and I'm irrational.

I'll like to take back the words I said about the parents.
They do me favours like they owe me their life.
Do I deserve it? How are they indebted?
Foolish I am.

Parents. Love them, hate them.
they still be parents.

26 April seems so far away.
yet the Mom is right. 11 Nov is so much closer.

met with people I haven't met in a very long while.
but was any time lost? It felt like we met just yesterday.
or was it just politically correct laughter?
Cynical in everything I think
are we all like that?
wondering if the person we're talking to would be thinking the same thing.

Haha, the Mom made a passing comment about me being streetsmart.
Ironic the fact that I the naive fool would be the one telling someone about trusting people.
sigh.

2009-10-22T20:39:00.003+08:00

I'm doing shit.

Adamantium, please be strong
keep me holding on.

you plague my waking moments,
you infest my every dream.
and now i wish, i never felt a thing.
I hurt, I always do.
Instead of being a man, I act the fool.
what have I got to do with you?
bleak the landscapes I paint,
frustrated to no end.

I wish for friends beside me, right now.

2009-10-21T19:40:00.004+08:00

I tried to be perfect
but nothing was worth it
I don't believe it makes me real
I thought it'll be easy
but no one believes me
...
Pieces.
and indeed, its gone to be the pieces of me...
you reminded me of the face I fell for once
and alot of things that weren't meant to be.

its not so cool.
that I'm better off on my own.
Sum41 rocks. BB too.

my eyes are blind, my heart even more so.

sometimes I'm too empathetic.
you know how the old folk walk around peddling their goods
everytime i think of the amount they don't sell
the stares and rejections they face
I feel the despair.
even though it may not be that way for them
but its like so consuming...I shudder at the thought.

2009-10-20T21:47:00.002+08:00

Now I'm in over my head, for something I said
Completely misread, I'm better off dead.
And now I can see, how fake you can be
This hypocrisy's beginning to get to me.

only 3 fellas know it,
and suffer my anger if it leaks.

hurts and pins,
I'd better be cautious with what I do
it is just stupid if I lose my head over you
In Too Deep
Pieces
Over My Head
Still Waiting
Best of Me

And I will wait to see
if my time would come
if you would be like my other roses
or you would be one to let me take flight

2009-10-19T19:46:00.001+08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TTUrDkBUtfk

Alex, this for you
you and swiss chesse

2009-10-19T19:12:00.003+08:00

Am i really that much of a no-achiever?
as i begin my slow descent to hell,
I just wonder who is waiting at the end.

I need to study more
I need to sleep early, get out early, mug like crazy
but most of all, I don't want you to fall behind.

Its wrong, what I'm doing
It ain't love, just a rotten affection
but you are special, no doubt about it.
then again, everyone's special...the only unique thing: DNA
give a big "HAHA"

Will there be something done at Prom?
I guess not. Casanova, that's what I am.
and a failure at that.
A call and I will fly to you
A hint, and I'll wish you true
a kiss would be bliss, to say none the least
but a gardener has many to tend to.

some flowers would cease to be
others would bite with malice
some are weeds, meant to grow
then there are pests, who eat you out of home
there are those who would bear with you much fruit
then there are others who age with you
like the sage oak the are wise
like the jasmine they are fragrant
like the evening primrose they bloom at night
like the morning glory they open at dawn
like the venus fly, they sap your blood
and like the nightshade, ever deadly.

Women, are like flowers.
Love them, hate them, eat them, gift them, spice them, get killed by them.
its all the same to me.

2009-10-16T20:52:00.003+08:00

Are we human or are we dancers?

spent yesterday at aLex's house yesterday...
foolish people staying way past bed time.
but it was fun.
Friday and Thursday into one.
its been long since i felt like that.

had fun..sorta.
Bro.Paul went out of his way to the usual name pointing as usual...
Augustine got pwned.
many went the way of the drains as well.
all honourable and unhonourable mentions.

Outing failed.
I was disheartened that we could not do something together one last time,
but it was enough. Buddies, strangers, classmates.
Love them hate them, they still be one in my lasting diaries.
heavy heart,
since the weight of the fact that i have graduated has finally caught up to me.
I've survived JC and in the end, I probably was never meant to be anywhere else but here.
with my class
with my mistakes
with my joys
my regrets
my most enjoyable time of life to date.

T26. I LOVE YOU GUYS!

2009-10-14T22:39:00.002+08:00

A witch with a grudge, claiming the souls of many.
possessive and overwhelming, the servants are tamed into submission.
Grad day in 2
and never more glad
to be rid of school, rid of classes, rid of people.
its a do or die mission,

and funny how just a week ago i couldn't care if you lived or died
and suddenly I never want you out of my life.
it don't matter, you don't know who you are
and I don't wanna go further. what a doll!

hearts on fire, and here we are wondering where the smoke came from.

2009-10-13T19:05:00.002+08:00

see more Lolcats and funny pictures

Happy Birthday Chuck.
you just proved many many points today.

2009-10-12T20:31:00.003+08:00

I guess she knows.
but life goes on.
and no confrontation yet, anyway.
I'm kinda sad-hopeless right now.
Maths Mock made a mockery out of me...how incompetent.

not only that, I feel useless suddenly as a Bio rep.
failure to disseminate Papers
forgot the timing of extra classes.
Great.

I push my way into little chats, hopelessly looking for conversation.
Mundane and stupid. yet the voices that call my name, never fail to put a cheer on the face.
I wish life were more simple.

Fantasy is a fallacy.
the more you live in it, the more you get bogged down by unnecessities
evergreen forests, sentient animals, fairy folk.
Nature at her best.
crisp, fresh air filling your lungs
streams of crystal clear water, murmuring by your ear
sigh.

my heart flutters with her every voice
but can I stand the shame once more?
can I face my own insecurities and walk on the ledge without care
or will I fall prey to my weak resolve once again?
Happiness is just a "yes" away.

2009-10-09T21:51:00.002+08:00

Come one, harm all.
at this rate, we are all going to burn, especially Prim.
I look to friends to be truthful, because I've got nth to hide
someone told me that i was looking for a soul-mate, not a friend
so why can't i make everyone my soul-mate?

the only lies are the ones that i make to myself

no matter the significance level
God will always prevail.
There is a God, no matter how hard one denies
Be He Jesus or someone else, that is another matter.

and maybe i didn't have anymore migraines,
may be possibly cos now my brother has it.
not that its anything bad for me, but hell, nothing should befall the wee-wees
only I'm allowed to bully them.
so if a demon of affliction is upon them, then a woman's scorn is nothing compared to my wrath.
and believe you me, I'm a vengeful god.

Maybe things have become better
after all, if everyone loses you, why not lose them?
come to think of it, people really change. From smile right to turn around.

don't look at me with apprehension.
if i love you, then let it be: after all, i mean you no harm,
and if worse comes to worse, I'll just deny it and fade to black.
Guardian Angels don't seek to be felt.
the only one you have to fear, is the reaction that you bear,
and the deceitful self that lies in all of us.

my greatest fear: you

2009-10-08T14:49:00.001+08:00

see more Lolcats and funny pictures

2009-10-06T19:40:00.003+08:00

The clock will never be turned back,
and premonitions always seem to strike me, before they even make sense.
Too stupid to hold him back, too naive to think that the 'friend' would protect
and too angry at the turncoat.

drama unfolds, and i wonder how things will continue to unravel.

strike after strike, this won't be the last time.
stupid flowers.
She ain't denying anything,
so take her you fool.

Couples made to last,
couples gone to dust.

and with that, a brilliant star has fallen.

2009-10-04T20:10:00.001+08:00

2009-10-04T19:29:00.002+08:00

Swing Swing Baby!!!

are we human, or are we dancers?
lol.
Pascal's Wager. The greatest sense,

2009-10-03T22:53:00.002+08:00

Its a cold night, and you're not any warmer.

went to Tampines again,
to fetch the shoes left behind...
always riddled with debt sia...
Pool > Snooker.
I came, I saw, I pwned!
Naise.

dreamt that Primrose left a comment on my LJ.
not in the most likely...
dreams.
how beautiful if they were true.

a white maiden
troubled with numbers
if only, if only, if only.
but its just 3 more months.
all of us will go their ways,
and I'll just be another shadow of the past.

2009-10-01T19:54:00.001+08:00

I think i has been seeing too much B-bars around.
its like its maths everyday.

shoulders ache,
back ache,
shin ache
heartache
headache.

ouch

2009-09-30T22:13:00.002+08:00

some are on the right track.
others like me, simply are just wasting what precious time is left.
at least i got a constructive plan...
sigh.

Its getting harder each day...
it could be a crush, it could be a phase
a phase then.
pointless and draining.

if only you were mine.
but perhaps, not at this time.
I love you, Primrose.

2009-09-29T19:54:00.003+08:00

drinks, water
glass after glass,
chilled.

Five for Fighting.
sweet, calming.

i passed Bio,
my Chem standard went up.
and for once, I'm glad.
not satisfied, oh no.
but at least, now you know what you don't know.

and if you would let me,
I'll talk you through your worries,
and hold you through the night
not just out of love, but friendship and duty as well.

2009-09-28T19:38:00.002+08:00

when its desolate and cold
where your green fields in life turn to grey,

riding this storm out when I've got more important matters to worry about
shouldn't be the case.
When you wake up, who does it for you?
does someone wake you up, or do you wake up on your own?
what if the time you have to wake is out of routine, do you arise, all on your own?

if my backslide and loneliness were a slumber,
then I'm grateful for the wake-up call.
blaming others seems to be my hobby,
once again, I'm guilty as charged.

perhaps its part of growing up
perhaps.

I'm not like this
I don't even know why I'm like this...
you know what is rigor mortis?
my claws have probably chelated onto something,
but all that's holding them there are probably just muscles cramping,
the soul dead.

Am I like that?

like attracts like,
and though I enjoy drinking,
I guess wallowing in fantasies and thinking that drinking helps,
was probably the greatest fallacy.

the reason why the GP compre went well, was probably due to the fact that it was a matter close to heart. My very own lack of faith, and the very question of existence. bugger me black.

2009-09-27T20:14:00.001+08:00

reading Lovely Complex,
I'm kinda reminded of something...haha :)
memories.

At this rate,
i really could become a cold-hearted bitch.
I need to stop somewhere.