Its things like these that really make me question why I'm doing what I do.
yea, I do the things that need not be seen,
maybe to some, the things I do really seem so superficial
and the work others do really becomes recognised.
I'll always be smiling,
always tell the guys 'I'm okay, daijobu'
smile and hide a broken heart.
told once that I cannot hide my feelings very well...
so the turmoil of accepting this result becomes really...difficult.
how to maintain a straight face without revealing my feelings?
I'll need some time to adjust, to calm down.
I believe I've already crossed that fine line of commander and men.
too friend already.
trying to maintain my ideals, trying hard to create a presense
to gain some respect.
then again, I feel that my actions are too transactional,
always expecting something in return.
I don't know if I can continue like this...building such fragile bonds.
wishing that what I do with my guys would be reciprocated in turn.
in the end...it just feels that I'm just a 2LT, a 'sir' to my guys
another oddity to my specs,
a liability to my BC.
i'm incompetent, useless, and a wastrel.
Am I just an attention seeker, hoping that someone will comfort me?
I once was, am I still the same, even after 2 years trying to change?
dreaming of how I could be someone bigger
turns out,
I lack the ability to be anything ever smaller than myself.
today, just for today,
will someone just please validate my existence?
