miffed and matched
i think i'm fine now
i think.

oh wells, worse come to worse, i could just brainwash myself to be a non-thinking sub-species of the human race.

nice weather, today.
hope your had a nice day out.

nights.

{ gone at 20:08 }

blogging to me is a way of relieving stress
to relieve the stress that builds up in my head
due to incessant thinking
about regrets and the future
about actions and what must be in God's plan for my "greater good"

funny how that it was the passage done for GP yesterday
so while others undertook the passages with a degree of difficulty
i embraced it and enjoyed it
not expecting good marks though
just that it was a topic close to heart.

haha, Drea you think i'ma blog nut?
nut indeed

why do you continuously block my shreds of joy?
i didn't deserve this

rantings, as Vanessa would say.

you know why i hate certain types of people?
why do i hate muggers? its cos i'm jealous that they can sit down and work for their future in mind
why do i hate so many things? its cos i see myself in all of them
and i hate it. i hate watching others act like i know i do
i hate to whine to others, even though people might be willing to listen
because it debases myself. that i cannot even take care of my own mentality.
i can choose not to hate others, because i hate myself
i cannot for one moment love this body that God has granted to be healthy in most ways. i cannot for one moment love the mind that drives this biological machine.

but i can use my body to love others.

and that, is what i have gradually and eventually have come to lose.

i have no more direction
and it really feels like everything has been lost to me now.
i don't seek forgiveness that is not willingly granted
neither do i wish to repair anything.

but my heart tells me otherwise.

{ gone at 22:15 }

dawned upon me that something was up
and soon my sojourn into choppy waters will start
it may be true that thorough hardships last
but what mighty makes a foe so strong
would be weakness in a love beguiled fool

making sense out of this mess
playing house does make me mad
perhaps i fail to keep my accounts right
but i'll take a helping hand as is

subtleties are not my forte
though disguise is attempted
my contempt probably flows straight like an arrow
in medieval times i still live
to use arrows instead of caliber stings
but perhaps the mind remains slow
to a fact long well known

I'll really want to sleep with ease
but knowing MQ...its hard to say
a tease in fact, a jest in play
I'll call her Primrose, she's that to me in my eyes
is it wrong to flit from flower to flower?
perhaps it is in my nature

to shower attention on a seed
to watch it grow, with a gardener's ease
who worries day and night
about his love, his only meaning to life

concerned about state of life
tell me this:
bro, or a just friend in time?

{ gone at 22:40 }

The languish in our hearts
stings the mortal flesh like bees
For if our love doth soon depart
Boundless over rage, endless at sea.
-Luke

:P

Fickle is the human heart
Devilish derby we all are in
a race to push ourselves out
to stand alone in the running
to be crowned by the Devil
A crown of thorns my Lord once wore
now a crown of my very own
a sad end to my little tale
nothing short of hell and fury

The Human Race indeed

This insane angst in side of me
too hot to handle, to much for me
with bubbles swirling in my head
poems are all that need be said
By Sputnik and Murakami too
I hope love will eventually fail
of self accomplished and defeated dreams
of me, myself and my buddies

Moody as one can be
in a shit storm for all to see
Untouchable this unpleasant sight
even happy words lose their might
for my life is but an empty night
devoid of stars and lack of light
neither a moon goddess in my life
nor a wolverine to croon goodbye

by Cupid's hand i was played
to be a matchmaker in his stead
but glory goes not to me
but the daemon that masquerades me

Naught a shadow of me remains
just a Ghost in the Shell, like the anime
Cartoon art is what i love
not flesh and bone but ink on paper

i could give the most cynical laugh
"if only because" i lucked out in lust
But what's worth and what's not
i ask strangers and myself
This is affecting me more that i realise
when tangible become intangible and vice-versa.

my wisps of dreams have become real
was i watching from someone's windows?
the kiss in the garden, the bewitching of the body
how is like to make love using flesh that is not mine?
carnal the desire
but decrepit the body
alas, the body crumbles into dust
like necrophilia and such.

{ gone at 20:07 }

The game is up,
I've been caught
guilty of theft, of my very own life

weird that poems come
weird that words just keep ringing and ringing in my head.
i wish they were words on economic terms though

H1 econs tmr
hope that i may get wishes of luck

i'm really really miserable right now
sigh:(

{ gone at 18:03 }

The mediator has become the deviator,
the facetious two headed betrayer
of conjectures and accusations, I'm probably centered in all of it
and i seek the explanation for what you are to me
you show nothing in your emotions,
you do nothing to assuage the situation

so here i am on this fallen stand
waiting for an answer, my 4 year friend
we haven't been close, you and I
but when i ask for more people turn away and sigh
by my own hand I've dissolved
the love and friendship just because.

I'm me, I'm me i haven't changed
not from young nor into old age
I'm me just the way i am
hurtful, direct
but still your friend.

a poem made to finish my log
a stanza each to dedicate my thoughts
feelings made and feelings that become
hatred and love and whatnot.

{ gone at 18:31 }

of darkness and light

in the absence of light there would be darkness
in the absence of heat there is cold
the lack of good is the dwelling of evil
yet, in the absence of love, is it hate?
its strange to think of polar opposites
yet realise that the simple human emotion has a neutrality
and in this neutrality i see no sense.
perhaps this is only for the omniscient to tell me

of friends' friends i know naught
but when i turn the tables round
i find that i'm one who is the unknown
to be integral in everyone's lives
to know and be known.
my dream, my false reality.

its strange how little i think of you now
and its stranger how little i see of them now
what's the weirdest is that 3 days in a retreat
really brings you peace and meaning to life
perhaps i still have room for one more.

lastly
curse the school administration

{ gone at 21:53 }

back from camp
like its the best thing in the world
but too much of a good thing ain't great
just like that
3 days at Ubin went by.

the fun i had cannot be compared to what is in school
the joy i felt just being the instructor
the thanks i get back
priceless

i guess that was what i went back to serve in the Unit for
be it St.Gab's or MSHS
we're still the Area 5 family.
and now back to monotony and enemies

if ever you thought i was hypocritical
put it this way
i was just enjoying as much time i could possibly could
but you wouldn't possibly care
and i really shouldn't be saying anything more

{ gone at 19:51 }

on love and hate and misgivings
we find ourselves at at the crossroads, standing

looking at couples everywhere,
i'll feel pangs of sadness, envy and affection
of a particular girl i'm seeing double
and its the double's partner i wanna be
but mist shrouds the person dear,
i guess i should just step clear

feeling aches all over my back
in my heart and in my head
james and maroon croon over my tracks
and here i am staring at the desolate stacks

in change i resist
to change i changed slow,
and change was what happened to you
and wonders me my mistakes
thinking about it day and night
and as time went by, fixation was from object to person
and for person i did fall
but my like was like unlikely

claxons wail, bells will sound
and now i set up alarms here and now
nigh a woman will get me high
nigh a female to let me fly
freedom as was freedom rung
i rid myself of comrades and hearts.

i would really really appreciate eye.

{ gone at 19:31 }

lost the poetic streak on that lonesome way home

thoughts on today: a very bad day, but no one should worry.
cos tmr will be a new one.
perhaps its my tiredness that prevents me from keeping a jolly smile.
i shouldn't have caused anyone distress.
careers day was a terribly fail day.


Therein the behemoth called Envy
is the one named Sloth
Their union brings about Wrath
who is dominant in my nature.
To appease the beastly tantrums,
Gluttony and Lust are invoked,
causing a chain of pain, over and over again.

There once was a boy so infantile,
who grew up knowing neither friend nor foe
who thought that people were puzzles to be solved
that mothers were born to hate their child.

abused once when he was young
scarred for life, he's locked in time
to fix the memory of false accusations
to erase the grime that was placed upon him.

clinging to old friends he thought he knew
put into situations where he found no clue
granted that he didn't do anymore than his fellows,
he was attacked for having been graded better.

it looked like he couldn't enjoy life
for whatever glory he could claim
always came at a price of others

but coming forth from a choice unsure
he found solace in a class so dear
of silly caricatures and comedians and spies
who stalk all day and joke all the time

but now he sits and ponders
whatever happened to the dream held dear?
of building walls and glassy stares
he wonders now: who put them there?

but comrades and friends alike
tolerate one another and care for the likes.
to forgive is to completely forget.
though hate may seem so good
it poisons the mind and darkens the heart.

{ gone at 19:41 }

A flair for play
SPA A is over.

and with that, i don't think i could be pissy anymore.
I wanna live with something new now.
make up?

{ gone at 21:25 }

A quick word.
Fuck You.
quick enough, and not meant at anybody.

now that's blasphemy.

SPA tmr, the last one.
THE last one.
so buck up, and enjoy.

nights peeps.

{ gone at 19:31 }

Are you guys leaving me behind on pretext of distance and time?
or simply just ignoring my existence?
please do express your most heartfelt wishes.

I've come so far yet feel so far back
progress made seems so unimportant now.

my most wonderful experiences
most dreadful moments
embarrassments, glory and fun
all lie with the handful that I've
irrevocably have come to hurt.

If there are debts that cannot be repaid,
It'll be my debt to you 2.

Kansha, Gomenasai.

{ gone at 19:16 }

went round for a night cycle
found really dark places that i never knew in my neighbourhood.
and i really brooded and mused
in how bad things really chain and follow you all the way.

down the dark path i went
spiraling and spiraling to no end

but it was a cool night, and it felt good.
more to come i suppose.
and more control to be exerted.
guess i shall be a silent ghost.

and i squandered my chances.
time to break up then.

{ gone at 22:56 }

Reading my NPCC email threads
makes me wonder:
just how many people experience the exact same dilemmas at the same Gdamn time?
zzz.

peculiar. nice word, and it describes exactly the situation now.
dust in a heat baked desert takes hours to settle.
but left be, they make little a peep.
status quo should never be disturbed, however dire the circumstances.
i learnt that the hard way. but challenges need to be made for change to occur.

but its going to take nothing short of a miracle to solve this one.

no hard feelings, but it seems that a severe
misunderstanding has cropped up.

{ gone at 15:27 }

Cows.
now decipher that, will you?

i will state this once, about my inherent nature,
for anyone that actually cares:

I am forgetful, to the point where i have this blog for people to give evidence against me.
I can do things in one moment, and forget it the next; goes the same for my words.
perhaps there are still some credos that i abide by that remain clear.
but for God's sake,
when said that i really don't know, i really don't remember its because its fact.

i am lazy.
i am vocal and critical, both towards self and others.
I'm emo cos i am critical about myself.
and then forget what i was emo about.

The chapter repeats.

And that's me.
so fuck off, if ya can't take the whole deal.
cos that's me.

{ gone at 20:58 }

beat and bushed,
i did my part.
the only misery was an empty promise.
and i believe someone needs to change their lens.
either that or its a genetic defect.
one that misquotes for common courtesy.

but i shouldn't be saying this. nope, not at all.
however, heavy metal really absolves me of guilt.
and it feels good.

sorry to Melissa, that i couldn't stop and wait.
sorry to Bjorn, seeing that i crashed into him.
blind i must be as well.

the one thing good thing that resulted?
my lungs got their strength back.
ever grateful to chia for forcing me on this run trip.

ain't deserving of love,
ain't deserving of pain
ain't deserving of anything.

{ gone at 20:07 }

a big fat lie,
a translucent screen.
how i wish that things would be back to normal
but i guess this is the new normal.

a beautiful doll looked at me
thought she noticed the pain at mention
but I'm discarding that probability to just pure pity.
to control emotions
to stop where thoughts should stem
at the beginning.

to stop habouring the devil called Hatred.
banish the emotion called Wrath.
if any, Kelvin's words to me seemed to make real sense
short of what defouls you, i found his thoughts on faith very piercing.

and David is seriously one Trekkie.
Now that's one thing I'll love to have.
Passion.

heavy metal, rock metal, whatever.
it just drains your soul
indulgence.

{ gone at 20:20 }

spent my day
slaying demons and monsters.
what not...the only demon left to be slain is myself.
it seems like I'm always the last enemy.

and so a chapter closes and a new one begins
I'll see myself doing well then.
Nights.

{ gone at 21:06 }

my ability to deduce has lead to me
being observant, sad and happy.
in embraces i find a little peace
with the ones i love and the ones who love me.

if hugs really do make a person better,
then i must be hugging folks in the wrong way.
but still, I'll do anything to see you smile

i want to play one more round of the cat and mouse chase.
and if i really do fail once more
then its spinster city for me.

Japan, N.Zealand, Tasmania
Here I Come!

{ gone at 21:01 }

Enough may be enough.
its enough that its like this.
its enough that stuff have gone awry
its enough that you are insignificant and the source of stupidity
die standing, you worm.

vulgarities are said and not meant
love is given but not blessed
and hate pours forth into an abyss deep
be where you belong, prick.

went to a book fair.
ended up buying subway.
cool.
and now for mapping.
cartography.
nights.

{ gone at 20:30 }

you've got him eating out of your hand
and from either far or near, he looks like a silly lopsided dog to me.

fake the real flowers be
bland the taste of salt.
bitter and hardened like a willow tree
singing merry like the undertaker's song

SYF presents rocked.
people rocked.
and somehow, something became so insignificant.
and it was good.

Honours deserved it.

{ gone at 00:12 }

brrr.
hate my GP,
hate my maths...apparently, the paper was easy...
and as for GP, it was an A' Level paper...
spells doom, doesn't it.


off the chair and into the frying pan,
then off into the fire.
i love it.

Nights.

{ gone at 19:09 }

I have 2 appendages upon me
and within them lies considerable power.
they are call fists.
no doubt i could break your spine,
or just crushing the life out of you.
but unfold them and i call them hands.
hands that have finesse enough to cradle your heart
and gentle enough to caress your face.

to protect or to destroy
to create or to desolate
the choice is mine.

in a world where animals are not wanted i am a brute
in a world where neanderthals are despised i am one.
to beat, to kill or to simply just break another
my killing desire has yet to fade, in a world where violence will soon erupt
hasn't anyone realised that the end days are near?

living without a meaning, living without an end in mind.
if we are indeed products of evolution, then why conform?
why live like there is a tomorrow?
the concept of a God is not false.
by all means, its a fact seeing that we are living to an accord set by divinity that we have an end.
or as God promised, an end in Heaven.

come claim me, you angel of fate.

{ gone at 21:34 }

Seraphina got re-strung!
haha:)

not much today, hope tomorrow will be better.
period.

i'm still rather sad...just glad something else happened.
cryptic?
when the time comes when i re read this,
i'll most probably forget as well.
oh wells, for the best, for the best:)

{ gone at 19:56 }

Never meant the things i said to make you cry
Can I say I'm sorry?
It's hard to forget
Yes I regret
All these mistakes

-Too Close For Comfort, McFly

ouch!
Netball was a thorough bummer.

lessons line up..i say i'm going to die for Maths and Econs...
and omg all that backlog of work from Bio.
not to mention that i need to read up on all that shite for Isolation and Cloning
for QnA tmr...
sigh.
what a happy day this has been.

Fuck it all!:)

{ gone at 20:26 }

just finished the movie Watchmen.
indeed, the subtle meanings and lessons...
pretty much too deep for the everyday kid? Mature audiences only.

and with that said, i could very much relate to the approach
that Veidt(was that his name?) had taken.
the utilitarian approach: a million to save billions.
and to me? something close was sacrificed, for me to be woken up
from my silly dreams
from my cloistered shell
and for me to have done what was always in mind
to put words into actions, to put life into my hands.

Thank God indeed Chia, thank God indeed.

but sometimes, i do wish that the world would end.
He didn't create an imperfect world.
We did.
But that's another story.

a love was lost, for me to be found
a hide was tanned, for my pride to go down
for if pride does go before a fall
then I've fallen real deep

{ gone at 21:45 }

got my PSP back...silly absentminded me

then it was a mess of tangled memories...
mainly alot to do with me not studying, me not playing
alot of traveling...

headed over to Far East for some chump change
met Chuck and Normie to celebrate the SAT ending
many a prod and strangely, no horny nonsense...heehee

did what was necessary to be included in class discussions,
not to any violent objection from me...
but indeed, the story line kinda not stick...oh wells:P
Kinokuniya's a fun place to be, actually...
ah, the smell of boobs...erm i mean books

and really, just zoning out with a feel guys
makes a real difference to my Saturday life

ouch and out

{ gone at 21:52 }

haha, so spent my day in a daze
and i still wonder what happened.

lies and deceit, fools for the guillotine

spent my day at pool with NPCC old boys...
I'ma so sorry that i had to leave halfway...
then off to Jess's house for land swimming.

wished i could have been with everyone that mattered,
especially since its been long since i hanged out properly with this love of mine
the love of T26.

never had to look far for a perfect class.
I'll say that people wise, I'm in such a class.

and so, night has befallen,
and the dubious pair haven begun their spread of evil forthright
wish i may, wish i might,
purge the scourge i hate tonight.

{ gone at 23:53 }

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