October 18, 2012
Is it me? here in NCL, there in SG. Is it me?
well, it has to be, how else can the many scenarios all revolve
around me being...lonely.
the things that keep repeating themselves.
why, is there something really wrong with me?
why, must people keep running away?
I fled to the world of games, because no one would could hinder me
I don't want to be lonely here, and I thought the slate would be wiped clean
my thoughts are all over the place, and I cannot get the solace I need from anyone
and I end up being all self-destructive again.
I don't want to be like this. I don't. I really really really don't.
Am I unable to keep a proper, good, sound and safe relationship with these things called friends?
Do you know how painful it is to be slowly edged out of a group?
haha, emo.
but what else can I do? confront the people involved, and create an irreparrable rift?
I lost 15 years. Now I'm going to lose my 3 weeks. And neither distancing nor closing the distance
is going to help with matters.
I can't contact anyone, and neither is there a helping hand, nor are there people who can relate.
I'm hurting, but I'm not allowed to cry
then, what should i do?
go out, make more friends?
everything stems from my insecurity, this position I'm in.
2 weeks ago, everything was still fine, life was good, things were looking up
then a week passed and everything just shattered in a flash.
Is this supposed to make me stronger? Why must the bitter things keep happening?
why must I keep tasting the medicine of life?
there are so many questions. and no one to answer them. I don't want to be labelled as attention seeking,
but the dreary outlook of life I have just turns people away. You don't hold onto a belief for 5years.
you don't. you'd think it'll be too tiresome. I'm not.
WHY CAN'T PEOPLE JUST UNDERSTAND?
why, why must I keep giving, giving, giving of myself, and nothing comes back in return.
Just an oddity to my flatmates, just an oddity to my subordinates, just an oddity to my peers, colleagues, and worse of all, liabilities to my family and superiors.
Hell is just a jump away, and really, this time round, thinking things through just makes it even clearer that my life was never meant to be lived.
And I can't even cry anymore. Hiding in my daydreams and avoiding reality. Because the world in my mind is just that much more beautiful. October 14, 2012
There must be a place where I can bleed
the life of enemies I so detest
to bathe in their life so warm
to stare in their eyes as they draw last breath
a place wherein I command great strength
clarion calls aloud.
admidst screams of agony, the scene of mortal hell
where the reaping scythe cuts a path
felling nobles and peasants alike.
oh the gore, as the guts spill out
a beautiful sight, can't you tell?
The scent of haemorrage, like bitter almonds
the applause of crows, patient pickers.
and within the carnage, I feel alive,
on the tightrope, a hair's width thick
an eternal battlefield, where the only reason is one's own
then the madness, where friends become foes
the bloodlust too hard to sate
the brother, the fellow, the bitter arms-master
fall to the blade, one after the other
oh, how my sword will sing, the funeral march of all it stings
the symphony of man and metal
the conductor with his baton of steel
how satisfied, would be my soul?
the slicing sounds of rendered flesh,
of death cries and death throes orchestrated
a limb or two, what does it matter, for there is always fire
boiling oil upon the skin
akin to fried spuds on a spit
the aroma, how exquisite
the connoiseur must approve
a dish of fried fillet, with entrails like foie gras
trippings, and drippings, oh how mad I must be
the women, they come, they collect their children,
but oh! how I delight at their faces
to find that what's left are bones picked clean
not a scrap of meat left wasted
then my great maw itches, to see such plumpness
of flesh brimming with fat and softness.
A better master awakens in me,
and I find my chambers, laid out with delicacies
of young and old I did not mind,
upon death, aren't we all of a kind?
sadly, a dream, a dream I must have had
how could I be living in such a lovely place
where chaos and misery make my life to the fullest?
October 5, 2012
I'm in weather-crazy England at the moment...and hell, gonna be here for the next phase of life, University.
Its been good so far, the sights, the sounds, the place. It was more than what I thought it would be, a really beautiful place, really.
Have been here for almost 2 weeks already, how time flies! Had some troubles adjusting to the life here, but so far, so good. haven't had any unfortunate run-ins yet, and the seemingly ease of transit to the new phase here I can only accredt to my Lord, so thanks be to God.
so, just a short fill-in, I arrived on the 20th, with horrible babies keeping my 13hour flight very eventful. At Heathrow, waited at the airport for about 2-3 hours before I could transit, and thankfully there were no hiccups along the way. Was worried for a moment that I couldn't go through security, lol. Settled in after taking the Uni coach service, and met my 1st friend at reception, Jeremy. (At this point, I'm feeling kinda creeped out doing this like a proper narrative. ) Yea, and well, this fellow was/is instrumental in my adjustment to Newcastle.Was dragged along to the MalSoc meeting, and everything just fell into place from there.
The really strange thing is that now, all my friends are from MalSoc, or are affliated someway. I...have only met a few SG guys around here...its like a joke really, but its not as awkward as I thought it would be. I guess its only as awkward as I make it out to be.
The accomodation is fine, not too shabby, though I hear alot of complains from people who led better lives.
The people...have good racial tolerance I guess...far more than what we have for our "foreign talent"
My interwebz is holding out fine, though playing games through my phone is a little irritating. I wish I could surf "the stuff," but its probably good rehab to quit that shit. (My phone service doesn't allow 18+ plus websites, and I'm still having issues resolving it. :p )
The school, lectures and adminstration is awesome, 1st class institution. Changes are seen, unlike my previous workplace, and the people are committed to academia, teaching and research all.
I love NCL, and I think that this has been the best choice I've made ever since I had control of my life.
My only concern here...to take the steps forward, looking back at the reminders where I've failed before. No past, only the future. I have to make it here. The mission: Failure is not an option.
I just may be falling in love. but that's the romantic in my hoping for a flame to burn again. She's exactly like you, and I'm breaking apart holding myself together.
I can't,won't and probably will never fall in love again. Not till I've forgiven you and definitely not till I've forgiven myself. I look back and I cannot see anything but anger. I look forward and see nothing but the fears that consume me. Stuck in my perpetual world, I'm a puppet, pulled along by strings. I'm so lonely, so so lonely.
