I feel like a scam and a waste of time right now.
I feel like a victim of the "can't argue with a woman" stereotype. While I can't look at girls cos it otherwise means im unfaithful, you can fangirl boybands but it doesn't mean the same thing. I don't understand that train of thought. I'm in a foreign country, and clearly network connectivity is not throughout, but I try to find the crucial times to communicate, even send texts out just to ensure I can still be in touch, but its still my fault. Its my fault im on holiday, and you have to work, its my fault that im all you have to rant and since im not there to support you or console you its my fault.
Its not your fault that im childish. Its not your fault that im not as mature as you, and even me, would like myself to be. Its not your fault that I have certain nihilistic and twisted values that perhaps make you feel that a future with me is a life of insecurity. Its also not your fault when your patience gradually wore down cos of all the flaws above. Its not your fault im a slow learner. I can only blame myself. But isn't that the beauty of love? To love all of one's flaws and perfections? To hope that we grow together as one?
I don't know if calling everyday is a sign of you being possessive or just wanting to show your love. I don't know if your fierce jealousy is you loving me or something darker. I know of your temper, but I don't know how righteous is your cause. You tell me of your sweet promises, but I don't know if they are enough anymore.
There are so many double standards that I'm slowly beginning to see, but I don't know why I just can't articulate them. I don't know why.
Am I suppose to change who I am completely to make you happy? Must I change my music tastes, my social life, my schedule, beliefs and activities just to make sure you're comfortable in that suffocation of yours?
I don't know anymore. it seems everything about you I have taken for granted. It seems I have nothing to contribute to this relationship. Every thing is my fault, everything is either a small error of your part and thus overall a shared responsibility of blame, or mine entirely. Nothing I do can please you, im the living burden in your life. Maybe its really time to think hard before we waste anymore of each other's time.
And merely for suggesting this, it will be my fault for not being patient and understanding of your situation again.
What a merry Christmas break
