November 9, 2011
Its things like these that really make me question why I'm doing what I do.
yea, I do the things that need not be seen,
maybe to some, the things I do really seem so superficial
and the work others do really becomes recognised.
I'll always be smiling,
always tell the guys 'I'm okay, daijobu'
smile and hide a broken heart.
told once that I cannot hide my feelings very well...
so the turmoil of accepting this result becomes really...difficult.
how to maintain a straight face without revealing my feelings?
I'll need some time to adjust, to calm down.
I believe I've already crossed that fine line of commander and men.
too friend already.
trying to maintain my ideals, trying hard to create a presense
to gain some respect.
then again, I feel that my actions are too transactional,
always expecting something in return.
I don't know if I can continue like this...building such fragile bonds.
wishing that what I do with my guys would be reciprocated in turn.
in the end...it just feels that I'm just a 2LT, a 'sir' to my guys
another oddity to my specs,
a liability to my BC.
i'm incompetent, useless, and a wastrel.
Am I just an attention seeker, hoping that someone will comfort me?
I once was, am I still the same, even after 2 years trying to change?
dreaming of how I could be someone bigger
turns out,
I lack the ability to be anything ever smaller than myself.
today, just for today,
will someone just please validate my existence?
September 11, 2011
A great, intense pain that won't go away.
and I'm just slowly killing myself everyday
God knows, I may actually try something soon.
Can't fight the tears that won't come.
Can't live a life sold.
Betrayed, mislead and again, I'm the one to be cast aside.
I hurt but I keep it to myself
I lust but i find the solace to keep it down
in life there is no peace
Death is the greatest escape.
August 24, 2011
Through the smoke and ash.
I'll like to change just one part.
my birth.
like a storm I came through,
to this world of regret.
a world where I could not be happy.
at least not for long.
If i could just end it.
or turn the waves of my time.
but its impossible.
treading the path of uncertainty
of FOOLISHNESS.
too old to worry no more,
I die.
August 23, 2011
Ghost.
Memento Mori.
A scream.
the horror.
Me.
wrecking ball pieces.
Regret. Always regret.
hypocrite around me.
die already.
July 19, 2011
A million things I want to say
but who to hear them anyway?
I'm very confused with the pain
but I retain my senses through the faze.
I have a severe lack of direction right now.
if I'm not getting my Uni this year,
then for what purpose have I signed on?
it was merely for the sake of my education,
but with things not going as planned
and ORD impending, have I made another grave choice
one that I've come to regret
must I really come to accept that I'm bound by failure
that I cannot make a decision that will make me look back with pride,
that would set me at ease? where have I not seen and deliberated long enough?
is my entire life a mistake?
I think it matters not if I was born this way or that
nothing under my hands will come to fruition
and I curse the day I was conceived
the union that gave me life
inadvertently sealed my death.
July 17, 2011
A few things rather confusing.
but just with the flow.
mixed feelings.
hasn't that always been the case.
tortured to no end.
Had a migraine yesterday, so i'll tag it here.
JH prolly thought I pangsey again.
haiz.
you don't need the effort to keep them close to you
those who you care for the most are the ones you always neglect.
simply because they will always be out on the limb for you.
its those who will never keep, that you want to spend a little more time with
at least you could say 'we just fell apart'
for all the effort, I could never change
for baby, I was born this way.
Labels: Migraine
June 27, 2011
Funny how stick men can be funny
funny how irritated I am right now.
her bdae today,
hope she doesn't read this place.
what came from a birthday wish
turned out into a conversation...
that for a while
put me on a rather high cloud.
till she reminded me of her boy.
well, she's attached, she's happy, so who am I to say anything about it?
very confused right now.
will start work soon.
if only to bury myself in the monotony of it.
come to think of it, my Uni also not settled
and its supposed to be in July, right?
great. the constant stress in my head, and I've not gotten a holiday yet.
I'll need one, definitely.
just what do I want, really?
die die die die die die die.
