February 10, 2016
baby steps to failure
signs she can't ignore
I'm emotionally incompetent
of that she feels sore
I don't blame her, not logically anyways
but constant companionship;
she will leave a hole in the wall
a division of labour, the concept misconstrued
he the logic, she the heart
a premise unwise from the start
the loom and the spindle,
spinning too fast to grasp
to her credit she held the fort
longer than one could possibly afford
I took a little of that prime; my guilty little crime
it's disheartening to see the sunlight go
when others join to burn
it's time to put this fella back in the john
and see what the soothsayers churn
I'm beaten and sore, but willing to learn
I hope she finds peace,
with comfort in another's love
February 4, 2016
It's never enough. I just keep giving and giving and I have to keep pampering her...im just feeling so down right now.
even unboxing my little softie...she just took away the joy.
I feel like I can't breathe at all.
March 10, 2015
If I had the one chance to turn back time
to right the mistake I made,
then I'm the one thing I would change,
to make the wrongs right again
Why did I hit you so
when I should have backed down and made my peace
The cut I feel when you reject me
Why did I have to be so foolish
To hear you laugh with me
I would give anything I have
because whatever I have left,
nothing compares to you
I have no solace to hide in this world
you alone I can trust
I can scream and cry, but you won't let me through
The baby in me has no place for you
Why must I let the worst happen to be my best
God knows the design flaw in my plan
I just want to lay in my bed and turtle down
hide under my covers and let reality go
I trampled on the most beautiful flower
now it would take a miracle to return it to life
stained as it may be, I would still want to nurture
the stain would be the clearest reminder
the pain I gave you I cannot take back
why did I take action when it could never be taken back
if only I stuck to words...at least those could heal
but my hand like a branding iron on your face
left the mark I can't erase
Please oh God, I just have this one prayer
to let me have the chance to deliver
on promises once broken I have to repair
on a love that was beautiful
now in ashes of a pyre
All it took was 2mins of anger
to destroy 2 years of endeavour
anything...anything to hold you in my arms again
anything for you to call me "dear" again
but as time goes by the dreadful truth
you moved on and maybe I never will.
March 8, 2015
It hurts to know that I've destroyed myself
It hurts to feel her pain inside
The cheeks I used to lovingly caress
now stings with betrayal and sadness
How could I have struck her so
I'm a fool to let her go
now all that's left is hate in her eyes
I'm left a pauper of love
It hurts it hurts to see her run
from the devil I've become
a spur of the moment I can't undo
now she's flown what am I to do
Now more than ever I want to kill myself
I hate this life, hate myself
I'm a useless being who can't commit
I hate myself
I FUCKING HATE MYSELF
can't do anything right
come here also fail
at home also fail
like a noose around my neck.
WHO AM I SUPPOSE TO BE
Must be a dream
this sick painful life
so so dysfunctional
FUCK THIS LIFE.
FUCK MYSELF
June 5, 2014
Why do you feel that way? I really don't know how to change what you think is so wrong...but you can't be so inherently selfish to want everything for your perfect world and I have to give everything...
What. The. Fuck.
God I need to scream at something
December 26, 2013
I feel like a scam and a waste of time right now.
I feel like a victim of the "can't argue with a woman" stereotype. While I can't look at girls cos it otherwise means im unfaithful, you can fangirl boybands but it doesn't mean the same thing. I don't understand that train of thought. I'm in a foreign country, and clearly network connectivity is not throughout, but I try to find the crucial times to communicate, even send texts out just to ensure I can still be in touch, but its still my fault. Its my fault im on holiday, and you have to work, its my fault that im all you have to rant and since im not there to support you or console you its my fault.
Its not your fault that im childish. Its not your fault that im not as mature as you, and even me, would like myself to be. Its not your fault that I have certain nihilistic and twisted values that perhaps make you feel that a future with me is a life of insecurity. Its also not your fault when your patience gradually wore down cos of all the flaws above. Its not your fault im a slow learner. I can only blame myself. But isn't that the beauty of love? To love all of one's flaws and perfections? To hope that we grow together as one?
I don't know if calling everyday is a sign of you being possessive or just wanting to show your love. I don't know if your fierce jealousy is you loving me or something darker. I know of your temper, but I don't know how righteous is your cause. You tell me of your sweet promises, but I don't know if they are enough anymore.
There are so many double standards that I'm slowly beginning to see, but I don't know why I just can't articulate them. I don't know why.
Am I suppose to change who I am completely to make you happy? Must I change my music tastes, my social life, my schedule, beliefs and activities just to make sure you're comfortable in that suffocation of yours?
I don't know anymore. it seems everything about you I have taken for granted. It seems I have nothing to contribute to this relationship. Every thing is my fault, everything is either a small error of your part and thus overall a shared responsibility of blame, or mine entirely. Nothing I do can please you, im the living burden in your life. Maybe its really time to think hard before we waste anymore of each other's time.
And merely for suggesting this, it will be my fault for not being patient and understanding of your situation again.
What a merry Christmas break
October 27, 2013
Just feel that right now I don't really have a gf
Why not we just both make things easier...so that I don't have to pretend i care, u can stop pretending u don't.
At least I wont feel useless...being the hurt i tried to save you from.
I still love u...but maybe u just deserve someone better.
If things don't look up any sooner, I'll leave u on the 6th. Its just better for the both of us
