June 27, 2011
Funny how stick men can be funny
funny how irritated I am right now.
her bdae today,
hope she doesn't read this place.
what came from a birthday wish
turned out into a conversation...
that for a while
put me on a rather high cloud.
till she reminded me of her boy.
well, she's attached, she's happy, so who am I to say anything about it?
very confused right now.
will start work soon.
if only to bury myself in the monotony of it.
come to think of it, my Uni also not settled
and its supposed to be in July, right?
great. the constant stress in my head, and I've not gotten a holiday yet.
I'll need one, definitely.
just what do I want, really?
die die die die die die die.
June 14, 2011
Maybe it was a mistake letting go
I realise the fondness that I still have for you.
you've affected me,
a million ways in one.
your smile, your funkyness
if only the others didn't happen...
would I then have stood the chance to stand committed, next to you?
I feel like I'm caged within the cell of my own mind
unable to express myself
always taking on the world like it hates me.
like a hatter in a box
waiting on someone to sing my song.
Really, I don't understand
why does everything have to collapse all around me every time I find something to hold on?
but yea, like I told Sanjiv, if life were fun it wouldn't be life.
If it were duty before self
then when will it be enough?
I'm 20, I'm old.
I'm no longer "too young to worry"
I'm a 'sir.' I'm doing a real job, no longer some part time commitment.
I should be responsible, mature and take things with stride
but how do I tell me that,
when I can barely focus for 1min
jump from distraction to the next.
I struggle so much with myself everyday
its like a war only without the blood.
but there will always be tears.
the real fighting the imaginary.
and who ever wins, I always lose.
if there ever was a reason to hate me,
there needn't be.
cos I'm me.
June 7, 2011
one way street with no return.
that's life ain't it.
just sigh.
there's too much for me to take recently
maybe I need some support from the stress of things
you know, those that I've no control over
things just slip my mind, my meaning less and less.
my future lies in His hands no doubt.
making it my own doesn't seem to get me the results I need.
I guess I can never leave God behind.
no matter how little time i spend with Him in prayer
no matter how much I curse scream and hate Him in defiance
His love always touches me and serves as the all important reminder:
I was created to be loved.
either by family, friends, girlfriend or not...
I'm loved. It just needs a quiet moment and time to realise all these and more
Friends show concern, family give support
but sometimes I just cannot find a way for my thirst to be quenched.
everyday a repeat of the old me, the me I want to change.
mature people don't talk about change...they just do.
but I'm just counting on 2013 that the world will end
now why THE FUCK did I come up with that silly notion????
slowly, consuming
my lust, my greed
one day I'll be seen through for who/what I really am.
sigh,
its getting late.
Maybe the army really wasn't for me.
berating myself all day won't work wonders.
time to find out the answers to the questions people are asking of me.
I hate me.
