To borrow the words of Kat, you guys haven't dig anywhere close to me yet, so don't damn fking assume you noe me cos it makes an ass out of you, not me... i don't know what to say, for there's nothing to say what am i, but a shadow, i can't even live with myself, didn't know you guys could i detest my actions, for they are without thought i hate my life, for i'm jealous about everything, and saying that, i haven't forgotten those who are in need... i'm selfish, so what ya wanna say... i care too much for myself...what ya gonna say?
sorry, i guess...to all u reading really fucked up now...
I want to die, really i really really really want to die enough "really"s? i suddenly have no more will to live I'm really really fed up so sick of someone's cold shoulder, for i try not to be possessive, for our lives are like poles apart, so different, so i have no clue why u fell for me, and likewise in fact, i don't even noe if its real or not, or just page service Jealousy? maybe that's why i try to spite you as well... and its not just about love...for love is nothing, at least in this world of mine introverts stay introverts, they belong in their worlds, I belong in my own world, why did i even bother? bother to make friends? after all, I'm such an oddity bother to render my services to NPCC? after all, I'm no leader bother to even try to love, after all, who needs one so rough bother to be a Child Of God...sometimes, i don feel anything for that church, and now that I've lost the motivation to stay, i feel like leaving God all over and over again... bother to be a friend? after all, no one really needs me
its like where i go, chaos follows, where i go, I'm not significant whether I'm there or not, I'm of no hindrance, but of no help I'm here, and not here, am i just a physical apparition to you? no words of comfort will help, for how can words reach an apparition's ear? go ahead and scold me, I've been scolded all my life, makes no difference anymore go on and ignore me, ITS easy to miss notice me? no, just a heat blur in the air, I'm nowhere... denying my birthday, so that I would have never been born Ah, what's the use...
And if i were to leave, would you be there to send me off? or will u join me, on this fugitive's chase this fugitive of the law...
why am i saying this? i have been having this recurrent dream, or nightmare, if you have it... i go to sleep, then i would be in this place, reminds me of CentrePoint at Somerset... there, behind this stairwell,i would find myself, in the 1st person and there would be this blade, and i would force this blade into someone else, a guy, faceless, though everything else is in vivid detail... but the 2 most memorable occurences of this nightmare, have different endings the first, i would run, and run, and spend my life running the other, i find another gang of murderers, who would shelter me... and this scene of Clarke Quay, where i walk past police, and nothing happens...sounds like gibberish, but i don't noe how to put it better
but what really scares me, is that i've had so many visions before many a time i've seen the future and it happened... the only thing keeping me sane now, is that the dreams i remember clearly are the ones that would not occur...God help me...
my love promised to run with me but what kind of love, i really don't ken, and i don wanna ken...sigh...
went to school, submmitted I&R Mr.Hoi told me to dry run in front of him and he's worried, that this 8-pointer, can't pass OP, will damn sad case not exact wording, but the meaning's there means i'm going to fail, means i'm going to "die" no mood anymore, just so..solemn, so...tired... heard a radio talk show about euthanasia... made me so pissed with the government...then my father told me to be the prime minister...you wish Dad! i'm going to be the emo minister, make everyone as emo as me... then when u ppl emo, i can draw ur sadness, and make it my joy... ah, the sad life i lead...
haha, spooky day cos i saw Chia 3 times, at totally different places first, at Toa Payoh Central, where i wanted to makan breakfast then at Eunos Mrt, where she was to go for PW then at bishan, where ahem...need not say more:) my mum afraid i stalking you leh, Chia for what sia...lol...
PW went like shit cos nothing much done seriously GH, ur Poh should be changed to Poor Poor Guo Hao cos u do everything for our PW... met with Pat, didn't eat dinner instead, spent $6 on a cup of coffee... welcome to luxury consumerism...
whats up man... i'm just a normal guy, trying to live out my life its hard as it is, please don add to it... love love burdens are more than i can handle, if i'm ur object of curiosity family, friends, ur other loved one, that i can handle not when i'm the object, then pls spare me... not selfish, i don wanna ya to be hurt... love cannot be generated, not in my case... its an already loveless world... one less wouldn't matter one more wouldn't make a difference equilibrium...and standstill
I want to taste honey once again... my heart aches at times... but then, who can fill it? best not to harbour, for being single is best... normal day today, so filled with boredom....when i should have read my notes... am i serious for the olympiad, i dunno... sigh...
Sweetie and Meanie. Blurgab and Honey... dunno, just feel like i tasted ambrosia... like on a high, guess the Baby's back! hahah... today, END OF SCHOOL!!!!OMMGGGGG!!!! ONE FKING SCHOOL YEAR HAS FINALLY ENDED!!!! WOOTTTASS!!! now, can i consider myself J2? hmmm...solemn ceremony... Many farewells to dear teachers... half a year, whole year, even HT also changed le... sigh, life's like that... now on to OP and Junk, Junk being chinese... Dunno what i got myself into, why am i so unlucky? Me and Duckie are in the same course for Science Focus... cept that...I DUNNO ANYTHIN ABOUT MY MODULE COS ITS PHYSICS... OMG, God is so unfair...really hope something works out... if not, going to waste my time...sigh...so sad... SILLY RAG, u better reward me...cos i did ya one Big Favour... lol...
My Pot Of Honey, My Jar Of Love My Kettle Of Tenderness My Urn Of Joy
should i watch Nights of Rodanthe? not much of a romance flick peep, but after A Walk To Remember... hmmm, perception changes? looks interesting though...sigh, no timez this whole December hols today was a dreary day...OP presentation went awry...omg did so much worse than the previous... what is this, i dunno...nervousness reached a new level, fumble and staccatos...irrelevance and nonsense bullshit to the highest degree...sigh... I&R due tomorrow...and have to do it on a night as this thats is perfect for sleeping? sigh... Gang came over to my place MQ GK GH CKE DotA again...and DJMax...was a poor host though no one really cared... Too close? i dunno Kat,*ahem* is chinese right? he looks so malay and so blur(was looking fer ya, just after ya left)
Life On A Tightrope Love Like A Hurricane Embraces At Sunrise Teardrops By Dusk
I'm sacrificing time for OP cos i really have to say this
I Miss My Old Buddies Of Squad Earthquake of tekan sessions and sleepy lectures of silly ATC meets and butches inter-Area 5 competitions just cussing and abusing authority of "see how 1st" and the menagerie of animals
Oyster cum Father,Worm,Cockroach,Ma(Horse)Lan,Monkey Pair, ZhuLian,Gorilla,DaFanSu,Duck and overall All Dogs!
When Class 4F was present, Everyone's mess and noise eccentricities copying sessions teaching teasing sleeping and "u should all drop to combined" when friends stayed friends and we didnt have a care nonsense behind every corner, when Brandon tripped the power with his soccer ball of FuLuShou of...sigh now that we've gone our separate ways, found our new friends i realised, no more looking back... and as tears and blood and sweat all forgotten all past and lost
I noe i got no one figured out... i just try my best... sorry Kat, and love ya much, u silly HTC... everyone's saddened, cos some are left behind... i feel left behind... Thx XYZ, fer ur invaluable advice... greatly appreciated...sigh, much ado over what to do... just had a filling dinner, late cos of the OCS visit goodness, almost waste of time sia...even chucking a smoke wasn't fun cos it stank like shite...all the time the wind blew smoke in our faces...lol... firing a SAR 21? whatever for? MSHS has a rifle range more than adequate... boring, not so informative, sigh, gals and guys of T26 apart, i think the only class with that arrangement though the communist benefited greatly...his father even called right after the trip trip, trip...brings me back to PW...sigh, how sia, so much to revamp...damn
Bygones Be Bygones A Love Uncertain A Future Misshapen
RAG says i should stop touching my face... cos the bacteria will give me the zits... hmmms, maybes shes rights... dunno la, just like pullin my face...make it longer... today, i am saddened...both by my results and my friends D-Day indeed, some can't promote, others are so borderline... and one i didn't expect to flunk has problems now... what am i to do, if she doesn't go up... as for my results, it would be insensitive to post it up... but damn econs, i got a damn S...from the Midyr D... sigh, can't be helped, just hope i keep 4H2s... and disappointed with Maths as well...sigh... promoted with ease, but seeing my budds, guess i feel helpless... and damn you CKE...DotA and still got 2As 2Bs...(you deserve it la) i cannot imagine the social stigma, one would have to face... if one were to retain...fractions and factions guess the whole day's pretty ruined. wish you wouldn't blow hot and cold on me, you silly aunty...
Silly Kat says she doesn't wanna promote... Unfair to her, but i think that others wanted to, so Kat, ya really shld treasure the chance... There are ppl who are willing to help, and others who wanna promote don wanna go beyond my boundaries to say more
What to say, i escaped another OP presentation...sigh good or bad i dunno, guess mre negative, seeing that i still havent prepared proerly yet...or cured my stagefright... maybe i'm too much...thats why i havent said anything yet... guess she's avoiding me completely...the sudden coldness towards poor old me... maybe not that poor...i just wish that you wouldn't say something and go about doing something else...it can hurt, and u noe u would do that to me...
Stupidity, i forgot to go NPCC today... cos i was stuck playing MHF2! lol...addiction will get me killed... Tuition was fun, as usual... The Adventures Of Spaceman: Lost in Vector Space Episode One: "We Have Liftoff!" Episode Two: " Heading For The Nearest Star" lol... fun that never lasts, i want to be suspended in time, and wake up to know that I'll be dead in seconds... its not worth living, though friends are beside me... selfish? Perhaps me...
And don't worry people, I'll be the U in class... though i don want it to be
i guess i'm sick of the same words misery, pain, anger, yada-yada-yada... but that's what i've placed myself into, and somehow, i dun wanna climb out...like living in self-denial
Cowardice.
sigh, today, went average i suppose just the state of suspicion, that she's attached... then that made me feel like a stalker i got myself to blame...loser here dun wanna take initiative, so someone else came along? all for the best, "cos obviously, she's outta my league"
and the other one just blows hot and cold on me, till i'm at a loss besides that, we're worlds apart...opposites don't attract, they conflict people live in different worlds, private ones that can't be shared my family detests me my friends aren't really there, besides their not family i need a confidence boost... on and off, we meet, go through a set period of time (school) then "bye, who are you?" talk to others of our cliques, then "bye, who are you?" back to school, the story continues... guess i'm asking to live in Utopia...
a simple and silly sounding word...doom... and doomed i am... rhymes with boom...i being lamez here... sigh, what's up with me i do not noe... skipped church, and my Bravo meeting... now i feel so empty inside. Tomorrow, going to church for service, and going to see someone too... but with things as they are right now, how will i react to her presense? why can't i be perfect? why can't i be loyal? or is it cos i treat everyone the same, to feel that i'm into so many others? confused and frustrated, the line is blurred and i wish you people would stop treating me like a side of convenience, like "you're here, so be it; you're not, so you won't be missed" To some this would be unfair, but to a fair number, this is fact... PW, i guess, was thoroughly wrong about Mr.Hoi...lucky i didnt start hating him... And seriously, sitting with all the gals, i think my mentality is turning to be like one... hurts in the soul, pain in the ass :P
FUCK this place will not be moderated for this fucking day cos its driving me up the wall fucked up allocation fucked up deadline FUCKED UP SCHOOL
kan ni na...always the same old story... for God's sake, can someone just turn on their bloody good-for-nothing brains for a moment... I'm not cursing my teacher, that's against my policy... just showing anger at the situation... not cursing my leader just hoping that his extenuating circumstances better outweigh ths shit thats happening now...
tuition, saw Mr. Chew... everything else, just blame myself... only highlight of the day, finally got Monster Hunter 2 Freedom... and have been thinking of someone, very very much... she shares the same sentiments, but alas, both we noe it will never be...
i'm feeling depressed... maybes its cos of my exams, and my friend's results... and of other stuff that's a happening to me... what that is i don't even noe... just that it scars quite deep... maybes its jealousy...of friends and their "friends" haha, significant other la... though how significant i dunno... People getting together, and complaining, and saying that its nice wtf man...perhaps bystanders shouldn't say anything... can another peson really make u that much happier? maybe i chose wrong, maybe i'm wrong... bleak landscape, my canvas is filled with sadness... my mood just goes up and down... wish they would just go ahead and drop the axe... how badly i did... falling into the abyss... even poking Kat and smacking the ferns into her didnt make me smile... though earlier in the morning Mr. Hoi said the best thing "so only Sarah and Ryan will not be going for the 1-Star Kayaking?" the implications will only be known by my class... sigh, will we be together, i do not ken... back round the bush, here we go again
I'm slow i noe, but thanks to Chia, I'm ADDICITED TO IT!!!! Fate/Stay Night Fate/Stay Night Fate/Stay Night Fate/Stay Night Fate/Stay Night Fate/Stay Night Fate/Stay Night Fate/Stay Night Fate/Stay Night Fate/Stay Night Fate/Stay Night Fate/Stay Night Fate/Stay Night Fate/Stay Night Fate/Stay Night Fate/Stay Night Fate/Stay Night Fate/Stay Night Fate/Stay Night Fate/Stay Night
it rocks as much as D.Gray-man... haha...Saber is so cuuutttteeee!!!! and as for today, spent well, going thru test questions... which makes me water in me pants... knowing how many crap i could have done/missed out... sigh... then spammed Fate/Stay Night... Ate out with Van and Leo... as usual, I WIN! hahah... Tuition was fine... they made me copy:(
a lovely day as always of a sunday, the only thing missing was rainfall... afternoon was boiling hot... went to church, finally received my Teacher's Day present for being mentor to my young ones in KOOL Club...an interesting cup, top heavy...worried that it may crack... home to stone and DotA once more...wait, that was after dinner... i played starcraft...no way am i going to let u own me, EDWIN CHAN...haha... I&R completed, just to see how Mr.Hoi will react tmr...and i dunno the timetable... zzzzzzz and just went through my buddies blogs...some fun some sad, what striked me was the loneliness that i felt reading them. The pain in my heart, forlorn and sad, i never need trust in anyone again
I Am A Flower Quickly Fading Here Today And Gone Tomorrow
today, nice day woken up early by a nice father... in the end, was TOO early...like meeting at 8 in TP wake me at 0645 so tiidddlled and toodddled...hair in a mess(not that i care) to entertainment centre Patrick tried to pull a fast one...too bad, he can only charm girls... stupid dimples..but anyways, his PSP sucks, cos nth works...can't play DJMax... speaking of which, it BURNS MY RETINAS...AHHHHHH then, nice meeting, went well, i guess... no hitches, just crapped some stuff... Pat had to introduce RAG...when nth going on...stupid clown home, taught Papa how to place music onto the blog...which i removed, btw... though My Immortal still rocks... stone at home, DotA once more...owned some lost some... not too bad i guess...
and have been slogging my guts out... indigestion...must have been the cold burger i had... wa paing, diarrhoea...painz...
could it possibly that i'm forgetting her? due to some else in my life? but that's real stupid, cos it could never happen so im stuck with more dead ends and frayed stubs... maybe one day we could be aboveboard... till then, we'll just treasure our little moments... its not who u think it is, u silly people of T26... though it jolly well be, but then ur not me... zzz, lets leave it at that... today was a stupid day one that made me realise that i should quit DotA... XYZ, u got one of the 3 musketeers ready to go le... drain of life, i'm imprisoned with a hell of a noob com... Starcraft2 next year, D3 also somewhere =.= i'ma diehard blizzard fan then afternoon, wasted our time in school, Deb RAG and I well, least made a new friend, called Deb as well... nothing done, DotA really sucks and sucks ure life... FUCK, even my PSP games are bullying me...
Game troubles, love troubles, study troubles... only thing left is me God... tmr, Npcc...waste of time, u ask me...
Damnation, My Life's Upside Down Where Art Thou, My Love?
ooolalalalalala... today so bored... no one to talk to, no one to play with... DotA with moses one round...and speaking of which, i getting sick of it... morning went to school...registered the bloody NUS course... home, and stoned...slept the entire afternoon...3~6... boring sia...exam over e, so guess fair to take the break? now, time to chiong chinese and I&R...but how d'ya go about doing that i dunno
damn and blast... i better hold my temper in... but i just hate expletives on digital carriers... handphone and such...fuck it... cos its a fucking impersonal way of doing it... just like shite done on msn...
today...was toady... bloody chem paper was not anything easy... damn, i wished i had studied and not read Halo... after exams, gone to PS... but a rest stop at Far East again...this time finally got to eat CJ... and yum yum...black hole on its way... gone owned by Alex at Djmaz...really lost touch le... and now there's a nightmare song stuck in my PSP... LVL13 RandomMelody mission...haha... sorry alex...wasnt fair to you today... apologies, apologies... watched Mamma Mia... at first, I was like a little kid, whining whining... then in the end enjoyed myself... not too shabby...nice show, funny like crap... home then...ended up dota-ing... now damn bored...BAH Didnt realise that October le...cos next month me bdae... one year older, not any smarter...nor wiser...haha Baby Girl forever i guess:)
Personality Issues No One Really Minds... Or Do They?
Maybes i won't score for chem... cos i like have been playing and reading stories... GOD SAVE ME! I'm doomed...Maths was fine today...Thx Van fer ur encouragement! dumb dead and...DEAD...am i causing myself to fall again? its misery noe? and suddenly, i have this repulsive feel... nth shall happen, nth shld happen... its for good memories... or maybe its just me and my insecure self... why do i have such low self-esteem? the strangest thing is that i noe it and don change it... u have to earn it? I've given up on my old friend...seems his new crowd rakes in the goods... and hearing how my buddies talk about girls in their class makes me wonder, why is our class so bonded? perhaps its loyalty, perhaps its to do with me, but T26 has brought me nothing but good memories... albeit some awkward ones... bonded but not motivated...totally different cliques meshed into 1... nerds and hot stuff...me the nerd of course...
Under Twilight Moonbeams And Stardust Love, Lust, Longing
Econs sucked like shit... if i can pass...like get 60 marks...it'll be a miracle indeed and hotmail is experiencing problems for me... like my account frozen or smth... can enter, but cannot select anything...wtf...got virus? its sickening sia...and today supposed to go Carl's Junior... guess what, had to go eat some cafe in the end... Far East ah, really packed... studied somewhat...hope tmr got hope... like i noe stuff, but at the same time no nth as well... oh wells,
today sucked...like totally crap... wtf man, no motivation to study econs at all just fail it la, no point in keeping it anyway... KNNBCCB...tmr exam, can't wait to die... lets quote an old analogy: study = no fail no study = fail no study + study = fail + no fail (no + 1) study = (no + 1) fail study = fail so why study, for FUCK's sake... Kat was in school today... suprising...but for me to know she was there...well... haha... food is getting expensive... i'm getting pissed...and my hotmail's going nuts... virus ah...zzz... time to die!
shame on me... i didn't study properly today... maybe cos i'm pretty discouraged by bio... and still brooding about it... mass cram Econs tmr...hopefully i can answer all concept based... as for evaluations...another story ba... i love you... and that's all... still i lie in wait...i dunno if i'm sound... i'm going crazy and becoming obsessive... at the same time...total sanity... Promos are a gore, bore, chore... Love is just the same...except God comes into the picture... and my bed's in a mess...hehe... oh wells, tmr will be good... i hope (finger's crossed)
Today marks a day of *hmmmm* oh wells, guess some things are not meant to be? still, its a start...poured a little of myself out, hope smth got in as well...love ya much... and well, i hated every moment after about 10am... like migraine was brewing...fucking storm... then had to down 3 coffees...one of them expresso some more... groggy beyond shit... and thus, wasted like so much time...on nothing but sleep... GTH sucks i tell you...wanted to take the paper earlier, and be quarantined, no avail...sigh... and bio was out to kill us...though if you studied enough, it wouldn't have been a problem...stupid MCQs...so many mistakes... essay 0/20 dunno la, and the joker yesterday apologised... hmmm...appeased some what i suppose... more mugging...i wanna ACE CHEM!
Heart Burdens, And Unburdened... Shall We Dance, To This New Melody?
hmmm, suprised they threw that at us... guess Hoshino Sensei a wee bit slow... another not so productive day... peppered with Deb's and David's nonsense, Mine and Rach's as well... which was lovely...and fun... till some stalker sent this to me: "tell the girl on your left to keep her paws to herself..." so insulting... well, surely is someone sitting behind us, and boy am i mad now... personal attacks are perfectly fine... to my friends and family, now then that person better watch out... first her, now me...what's up with CJC man... didn't know mixed school came with all this shit... well, as long as we're going by the books, who cares what people think... MrT gave plenty of hints, and answered plenty of queries guess what RAG did...with Brother Paul R. behind us... playing PSP...hmmm, and she still asked: 'Who's that?'
Tuition went interestingly fun today...time passed real quick... silly XH didn't go but waited at the bus stop for us... strange behaviour sey, sexy sista! and DGM is still not out...though by manga transposition i sorta made out the raw version...still...season finale sia...damn it oh wells, more time for Hoshino Sensei to draw draw draw!
Hmmmm... poor productivity... just ended up going round the bush... seemingly i feel emptier than before... void worse since i met someone... its ever crazier...that on one hand its getting better the other hand...sometimes, i will too much... and wanting it to happen makes me go nuts... or maybe i'm nuts... Symphony 92.4 seems the perfect station to listen for troubles... trouble on concentrating for studies, that is... ah, woe is me... Lo And Behold A Gaboohongee Found
At Times Like This I Just Wanna Feel Your Scent And Hug Myself To Sleep
