a nice pleasant day, rain to start it off...which was so relaxing, eh, actually, it rained in the night, which made it all the better, cool atmosphere for basketball... which turned out much more fun, or less fun...2 ways to look at it... the day then rushed by... library to drop and pick up book(s) Kovan's crocodile farm...turned out to be a close shave... you cannot go for a tour unless your as a group from school...(safety reasons) damn, nearly died...then also, ask questions like ask blank wall...wa, damn sian then go Woodlands, haha...met GH to pass a book, then chao home... nothing eventful, didnt do enough work, played played... oh wells, not moody, nor brooding...RAIN IS SO DAMN THERAPEUTIC!
When Someone Says They Love You What Does It Mean? When I've Held On For So Long Just To Carry On Waiting, What Am I Truly Looking For?
today, one of the most pleasant days cos its Teacher's day celebaration and that i made a mess of myself... and that, well...a ball of anger now...cos of stupidity... but sigh, i don wanna be faulted, blamed for trivial matters... lovely time, almost floor warming... turned out to be some show, especially dance... or maybe its cos i've haven't seen a dance performance for like...ya... so, pretty amazing...poor gerry though, the gymnastic show was an almost fiasco... band preformances and miscellanous dances, of one which was the POP dance! haha...so amazing, so cool... other than that, i like bursting balloons...don damn me for it... back to maris, felt so...i guess, learnt to forgive and forget... no matter how much you hate/dislike a person, remember that Jesus had more than ample reason to hate you more... taechers's galore, met strange and old fellows... more like a way to see old buds, well, just enjoyed being back... Mrs. Tey's swollen! lol then off to lan, with old 4F...always end up the same way, still, its great company...somehow sometimes, much better than christian fellowship...which i find a shame...sigh... tomorrow, Saturday... a time to..... well, just see what goes around...
Recollection Of Good Times Reconciliation Of Old Ties Redemption In Friendship Reciprocate In Turn
I noe i'm a little late on the bandwagon..but hey, what's there to stop me? DJMAX PORTABLE 2!!!! best game around, besides DotA, which is gettin old... and still as sian as ever...tmr...Teacher's Day... better not be some damn floor warming exercise...just sitting there will make me kill...kill...myself as usual... my God, i'm going nuts...its like the more you think of it, the more nutty u grow... and i'm close to breaking point... i'm gettin too touchy feely...almost like a woman... haha, but cant help being that Baby Girl i am...zzz... like a butterfly, i feel so fragile... like a brick wall, i feel so tough... like an ass, i'm spouting nonsense yet like a sage, i feel like i'm making sense... you're not me, you dunno how i feel... i'm not you...i don know how you think thus there's the barrier of distrust... people around me....no matter how much u distrust me... know that i'll always be there...tell me your troubles, i'm like a grave...silent as night on things of sensitivity... here i am, here i'll always be... no matter how much i wish to die, God WILL KEEP ME ALIVE OUT OF SPITE... so let me be your pillar of support... and i'm sayin this to no one in particular cos its just random ranting... and i'm getting bad vibes from a relationship in class... and i seem to be right...for many times round... hope this is just some false predictions... and tmr, going to see 4F again!!! woots... and then...going for "post-school activities" nights ppl!
Randomness And Assortment Chi-Squared Test... I Wanna Be Chi-ed Too... See If I'm A Random Accident One That Should Not Have Happened
I'm from an all boys school, I'm eldest in my extended family, eldest of 5 cousins and brothers, i won't differentiate between a guy or a gal don't expect me to be gentlemanly vulgarities are part of the mix don bloody expect me to follow orders like a dog accept that i am bossy but that i care for you I'm a delinquent don expect me to behave as society should dictate I'm an uncouth clown don bloody think that i'll mince my words i dare to do what i say don make me say it i hate to hurt your feelings, don make me be direct
cos in the end, when you really tick me off i'm not the one who will suffer...
and as i await further instructions, its pissing me off to the core... that simple stuff can really bring out the ugly demon in you both as an apology and stuff, i hope we can just pull through the last stretch anger always pounds on your head never let the heart be still always remember the higher order of things
D.Grayman manga man... where is my chapter 170? i wait for 2 weeks liao leh...make me damn emo waiting for you...
back to a normal note, again, stupid contemplation of me life and others around me... sigh...not going to be burnt, not in any way... just live life as it is...boring, mundane life of a student... doomsday approaches... and still i cant energize me butt to go look at a book... bio, must file...must do map... chem, test over! haha, which cheer-ry me up awhile tmr, econs test...no more cheer... tuition, not so cheer... Dinner at old PA...dunno if i'm to go... fire burning within me...burn burn burn... its mind over matter, which i know i can do... but what is the missing link, i really need to know... life's a devastating mess...one with issues i created... today is nothing much of a recount... its more of a ranting session... still a forlorn mood... still a heart-wrenching soul this fool doesn't know how to let go yet he really really wishes to...
Optimism Gets You Nowhere Pessimism Drags You Down... Its Senseless Mantra, That Drives You To Your Destination
Drained havent felt this bad in a while... so tired, everywhere sleep... LT, sleep, Class, sleep... sleep sleep sleep... so damn tired and dunno why... maybe the weariness from the playin and the relevation of doom i dunno what to do... i cant study on my own, and i'm not making the effort to try to study with others... homework is so basic and i leave it alone... whine whine whine rant rant rant... Sept Hols round the corner, better make full damn fking use of it... of love and desires...i feel like a fool... one that yearns, yet shuns... one that waits, in patient futility... worried, really worried...I HAVE TO MAINTAIN that distance any closer, my fingers will be burnt... perhaps i shall be a silent custodian, just biding my time...or maybe i'm just a coward, hiding behind the curtains, waiting till its all over... before i take my place, picking up the pieces... again, love our age is not love... just the experiments of youthful hearts... i will get over it...I MUST get over it...
Dead And Deader Doom And Doomer Put The Sun Back Into The Gloom Hide Its Glow For A Rainy Afternoon Misery At Last, Despair In My Heart
Love lost, well, at least not on my part... someone else close to me...or used to be? in any case, he's now in denial i suppose... but, i worry...he didnt seem strong when i saw his posts... perhaps its for the better, or maybe not... its time to move on... stings and hurts, the forbidden trap sprung, face the consequences, leave it and live it... the moody feel drifted over from yesterday... since nothing got done, nothing went right... apologies to Deb and GH... no one should bear the brunt of my rage... hell hath no fury like a woman's scorn? havent see the downright brute that i habour... Chem SPA today...went about right... angry for nothing, angry over nothing... mixed emotions and confusion...over someone who little knows my existence... over life, which is not in order, due to my priorities... i'm really blur now, headache not solving it... tomorrow new day, hope its a good day... Jesus still reigns...Do so forever...
Light Up The Sky For You For You, Me And The Merry Band Times Past And Times Yet To Come Enjoy Them While They Last
Lovely way to start a day... indeed it pours on a wonderful Sunday Morning not going to church for the few weeks now... mugging without God? Sigh, i dunno... Love Him still...i guess... just not putting my faith where the fellows are... damn, just feeling so down... the people around me, christians and all... just so depressing, to be with them... the coldness and chill... sigh...not just christians, even my family? my friends, i feel so distant... its like, everyone has their own other buddy... i feel...like no one regards me as such... by lip service, someone is close to me... other than that...its like...let down again and again, till the "best friend" thing lost its meaning to me no one to relate to, no one to really really be with... Brothers from afar, sisters from shores within reach maybe i'm being selfish...but just maybe, this freaksoul is really a lone wolf... somehow, somewhen, down the line... Love has eroded... I find that clinging to that thread of affection, that fibre of miniscule hope... it sort of drove me insane... now back to square 1, with no one left important to me how much more can i take? how many more people will i let down? i strive to look for answers, and like always, find more questions... then someone insensitive will come around to try to make me rear a head of anger... but i'm too tired to even lift a finger... guess this is the end...
A Facade Of Happiness, A Mirage Of Merriment A Mask Of Smiles
Today...well, lets just say that a recurrence happened... migraine started again... well, even if you told me to take care of myself, i cant stop this thing anyway... so, early morning, supposed to go ICA, supposed to go do PW supposed to go study.. ended up nothing pounding worse then Thursday... yet through it all, an incredible sense of clarity... was left alone at home to recuperate... not a bad idea, since i was almost homicidal... lets just say, medicine didnt work... or rather an adversitity to it, seeing that caffeine cant make u sleep, which is what my meds contain... the day's routine: skipped lunch and breakfast, cos no one to provide... empty from 7 to 4 slept, then woke up, through the cymbals, went to drink then puked the water...so, ended up 7 to 4, also no water to drink... its not just about the discomfort... it was about the corrosion in your teeth then, as i was staring out the window, nearly went over the edge... that was how painful the crap was... and that being said, the specialist i saw b4, said that mine was a minor case... God was there...after contemplating the "high jump" i tried to sleep...praying before i tried... in the end, was the most restful period... woke up almost cured...maybe He still watches over me...
Sanity Is A State Of Mind In Pain And In Sorrow We Have To Find That One Lonely Place Of Peace To Rest To Live To Die
today a brand new day just like any other day "oh so new" went to school, but early morning greeted by catcalls... so just observed them for the while... made a wrong choice in the morning, paid for it later... lessons went like a breeze... in the end, just napped through the econs lecture... teach you not to bathe after PE then go to LT... them nice to sleep... went home to do a favour for the dumbell Father... then went for the shootouts... day just zoomed past... 2 hours of Bball right after dinner... wa, never more shiok!!! then came my group leader, a calling... PW tmr, when it should have been done on thursday... can't blame him...but saturday? PW? CURSE THE FELLAS IN M$E TO DESIGN SUCH A DAMN THING FOR A's... today was a satisfying day... hope tomorrow to be the same...
Times Like This Make It Worthwhile Times Like This With No God, No Thoughts... Just The Game And Your Fellows...
hi there not in the best of health today migrainr day, tomorrow not likely to be much better, though still will be fit for school how tomorrow? i really do not know, just that this head hurts, and that this heart stinks i dunno, getting suspicions...just HOPE to the Lord Almighty that in all cases, this conjecture better be wrong... cos love stinks, especially the romantic one... not sour, just that i have to stay away from it, to prevent broken hearts and lustful desires... celibate? for the right reasons, so RAG, u will not be such, cos its definitely apparent that you will need someone else in life... as for me, just see how things go... so, left for home early, thanks to the migraine... Thanks to RAG, XY, Kat and Edwin...Mr.Hoi too... though i didnt need the taxi, cos u have to take that gigantic detour... home was a dreadful experience, faced like 2 hours of sleepnessness... vomit saliva all the way...terrible man... didnt study, didnt do anything... the worse and most unproductive shite ever... sigh, hope tmr goes well, either to skip, or to go completely healed... which would turn out to be neither, so lets just see where it goes... the blood people didnt take me blood too... no drippity drips... Life? Just 1 BIG helluva mess...
Illness and Afflicitions, Abhorrence and Avoidance... Dance, Dance, For Tomorrow Your Life Ends
my goodness me, feeling so damn dizzy... still not bloody used to the transition from lens to specs... gah, spinning spinning... today, perfectly alright, just tired beyond belief... slept through my beloved subject... teacher getting so fed up...which is so scary... seeing that he's so pragmatic, he wants to apply for a change in class... so that we get GohTorHeng...GTH...also acronym for go to hell... still, both are good teachers, just 1 more inspirational, the other more experienced... and gah, don care le... late now, cos just arrived home... NIGHT STUDY!!! wa not that productive, or rather, time really passed damn fast... tomorrow, blood donation... drip drip, leak leak... cant die from it though, sigh... haha...tired tired tired... i got RAG to thank for that! haha...
Romantic Love's A Fickle Thing Blind Too... Still, Its A Pitfall One Must Avoid To Preserve A Healthy Mind
today average day no one emo in class... people thought i did...but was just tired... didn't sleep well last night... so many things...to think about... to do...and finally, workload is being cleared, bit by bit, the mountain is clearing! I can see the skies soon! lol, see, not emo de... today, happy day... got PE, which showed how pro Mr.Hoi is at Bball... must at least aim to own him!!! haha... oh wells, lessons went well study at Library TP not too bad,...semi-productive 2 hours... hope tomorrow will be the same! haha... nights!
Swirling Round Like Cream In Coffee Pirouettes Round A Candy Tree Arm Outstretched, Baiting Me How I Wish To See And Feel The Beauty That Is My Darling, Sweet Honey
and still, day by day as i rot away, friends have come and gone away in this selfish state of mind, i've neglected those truly close to me sorry for being insensitive, sorry for all i've done... can't promise to change, lest i break that promise all i can say is that i will try to be different... i hope...
as for today... dismal as usual...maybe worse, cos had like 3 hours of GP... double Maths...how bad is that sia...omg... still, lived through...lol... what makes me worried is the state of my HTC... she's kinda emo...on a larger scale than me... and left alone too...sigh... homework, to do or not to do... RAG has bugged me, so i guess do lor...sigh...
Relentless Stream Of Work A Test Of Mental Endurance How Long Will We Last?
and so it begins, the weekend study club... or weekend study me... cos i'm alone studying, which is hell not productive i tell you... cant seem to know what to study, cant seem to know what to do... just read notes, cos there's seems to be some adversion to actually doing anything... its stinks even more when you bring the biggest distraction along...sigh... mug mug mug, then foam (saw this on a AJC shirt..or was it?) but mugging is what i cannot do...cos i have not studied broadly, the topics in me life before... except for A maths...which was still a disaster... someone out there help me? taskete kudasai!!!
went to visit Grandma... at least now she's not so lost...still she's thinner much more so... gah, tomorrow another "nice" day... life sucks as usual...
Live Life In Rebellion Not In Submission Redeem Yourself From Suppression Wreak Havoc In Our Institutions!
Tired and worn out... miserable and pissed... mainly at myself... not been a great day... not great at all... it was like what i projected yesterday... a failure of a day... with no true results...you may have might as well asked me to be in a coma...much more productive i can assure you that...wasted my day just staring at screens and taking in information that turned out to be thin air...and also slept so much... redundant, useless... so nothing to blog today la...just random anger and thoughts that have to be cleared before sleeping...that way can stay mentally healthy though i'll still be emo... and ya, Happy Birthday Leo Abnormal 1
Today... Moderately Fun Day which goes to say much more fun than any other day cos its a Friday And that means weekend is tomorrow which means either slack or mug to fruition also, mainly cos i was going crazy during the b4-break half of the day acting cute, which is a habit, and being the butt of jokes... whihc i haven't minded since i got no ego since i'm a good for nothing cant laugh right cant sing right cant talk right cant think right cant do anything right... which means i'm a waste of space... and that i don't really care anymore... oh wells, enough about that stuff...day passed fine, even the duty for basketball at the end of the day was fun...shot a few proper hoops...hey, i'm improving...i think... in class...stoned? or made useful comments? dunno what's up with RAG...lady!!! Whats up with ya!!! and i wont pass GP...i ken it... today, overall still a Moderately Fun Day
Screw The Test And Exams Screw The Problems They Are Just There TO Trip You There To Piss You Off No Poetics Just Plain English
what i really don't understand is: why just i can't do shite for AQ and Essays? omg, in all the remarks returned, the main idea was: "ideas not put forward" "poor analysis" "appalling language"
omg...what happened man? more and more frustrated by the day... and i F@&%ing can't explain it... just what the F@&% is wrong man...AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH whole day, quite alright... no tedious, not boring...just right... got home early, which was nice... had to go tuition, which was tolerable... the whole day, can't say i've been emo, but a little hard on myself... as usual...and homework still piling up...gah, test tmr, lets see how it goes
Once Again, Back To Square One I Cannot Do What I Wish To Achieve I Cannot Do What Must Be Done The Reality Hasn't Hit Soon, There'll Be Hell To Pay
and so, i'm like so dead ya homework is piling up so much... gah, dead dead dead... emoemoemoemoemoemoemoemoemoemo... or maybe not...what to do, after excercise, adrenaline rush la... wa, today actuall quie fun...or so i think... hmmm, morning, sleep, chem, sleep, GP lecture, sleep, but got a damn nice teacher come wake me up...and not sarcastic he's a damn nice teacher...and a new 1 too...lol... PE, not so fun...just sweat with no real heart in it... Break, go bathe, no towel, no...undergarments... just soggy and clammy...yucks... and ya, late for bio, which was depressing...test 11/38...for an ex-bio pro... haha, so buay hiao bai..but hey, never mind... and didnt homework, which let the teacher down... more depressing...gah...so sad...he's a damn good teach... but teach lousy class...gah... then, nothing more, started training 2~3hrs after which to say, wasn't boring, wasn't hard, and enjoyable... oh wells... dined with JH...SY did a SY... and so, not at home, laden with work...and blogging..and playing...and... get the picture?
Up And Down The Cherry Hill Mood up Mood Down Doing A Crazy Roundabout Ladidadida...
posting early, cos i feel like it's a good time to study...and study i shall or so i think... ands so everyone thinks... sometimes, its the company that brightens your day also, its the company that brings and tears you down... the motivation the hurt the camaderie the loneliness the love and therefore, the hate... thats what friends are for... buddies all around, enemies within them... you never know how things will turn out... just some random pictures of me smiling, if u haven't seen me smile with joy yet... memories of past and pleasant times, or just when i had fun... Again, JC life is not for me, but i shall have to adapt to it... woots, the temperature now is so lovely... cold and frosty, never been better, never felt better... don't you like how rain just falls and falls, the beautiful needles, the chilling breezes, glimmering lightning, melodius thunder heaven is when it rains hard... and so, for today, just had the worse day ever, to the sentiments of the whole class... so, dreary is everybody...lol... homework piling up, heard the weirdest thing: "hey, if teacher is not coming, then did i do my tutorial to no avail?" made me wonder...
tomorrow...doom? basketball...and if i hate it so much, why the hell do i carry on? dunno...teacher, friends...(teacher being me home tutor) tomorrow...today...yesterday.. ah forget it... done and done, still feeling damn pent up... gah... check this out: http://www.storyofstuff.com/
The Destroyers The Devastators Us, Wasteful Humans
random thought... u say to go the mile with ppl around you... so now, whats up? why have even more ppl left me? ah fuck it... when the vulgarities come, u noe there's smth up f@£# this shit, f@£# this life f@£# all the stuff that is in my life f@£# that nothing goes right f@£# that morning comes and i'm still alive f@£# when words come around to stab u in the back f@£# when those words came from your friends f@£# how everyone seems to be on track f@£# how u never get the goods f@£# u seem to be on the teacher's hate list f@£# that you ARE on the teacher's "love list" f@£# when parents don't understand f@£# when u know you are fucked... f@£# the things that control your life f@£# that i got nothing more to say,
take a deep breath... now let it out... SSSIIIIIIGGGHHHHH... and sigh again, and again and again...
We have now gone our ways, each taking the half that we want... cryptic, cryptic, or maybe not.. again i ask, is cultivating love so important? how does the seeds of affection grow for the other party? so many questions, so little answers... it's all in the mind... distance urself from the emotional aspect, u find that love is nothing but a pang of feelings, which are in turn chemicals... u think that she/he is the one... turned out nothing but a flood of hormones raging... BTW, i'm not talking about me... and i'm not sour or anything, neither am i jealous.. just, just....
again, tiresome as ever, i hate life! haha thats tantamount to saying i hate God... which i don't...which is so confusing... still...ya...u noe...lol... ok, semi-high, dunno why... (drawing pleasure from misery? i should draw pleasure from my own misery...which makes me my own anti-thesis...hmmmm) today, wasted 7hours of my time, doing carpark marshal duty... which was so damn bloody boring... a true waste of time... then, went to Beach Road... half the route with a bunch of 4 others... and as expected, i'm alone... or made myself alone...which is not unusual... now i don really care, and still don't... wanted to tailor my uniform...but apparently a full set cost $75 hmmm, not worth it, so ran around getting lost on the wonderful bus services... got home, stoned, tuition... nothing much more, nothing much less... life is the same as usual, fantastic routines...which i love abiding to... a human machine, going through the motions, day by day, month by month, year by year
As Another Day Passes, How Many More People Have You Hurt? How Many Have You Pushed Aside? How Many Have You Overlooked In That Hurry? How Many?
dancing in the moonlight... that song always makes me feel weird... just some random thoughts... just some final fatalities... loves to all my frens, i don deserve people like u guys...
Didnt blog yesterday, cos turned out to be too late... reached home like 11.30... and so, the day's events... Basketball in the mornig, getting lousier for some strange reason... but still it was fun... yet irritating...the lack of skill sure frustrates you... then, midway, dear GH said that our PW trip cancelled, so freed my day... went over to KY's house... then to Central, met up with Bernice then woosh to NDP... went a few rounds around, finally ended up at Marina... Lucky to be early, took a pretty good seat... fun enjoyment laughter... still, show not as fantastic, highlights were the Parade, Airshow, Fireworks... those the only things worth talking about... and the companionship...maybe that's worth mentioning... then ended touring Suntec or somewhat... to go Beach Road, ended going to Balestier or somewhere there... ate a most satisfying dinner/supper... still... anyways, just chat and chat and chat...chat non-stop... chat till the cows came home...
and as for today... nothing much to say, as every Sunday... went to church, but rejected Euclid's offer to meet at Dhoby... was i wrong to do so? i do not noe...search me search me... had a wonderful lunch... got home, nice early... then as the day past, with nothing to do it let me think more and more... which wasn;t a good thing... talked to someone that i hadn't seen for a very long time... to me at least...and for that my heart breaks even more... I cannot imagine the amount of hurt that this ma inflict cannot imagine the dilemma that i placed myself into... why, oh why?
Back Again The Forlorn Feel The Longing The Sorrow The Pain That Love Inflicts
Today, happy day, not so happy day, but better than many around... gah...dunno why i've been so emo... over trivialities i have made my own life so hard... over the hated and insignificant things i've brooded... the root of the problem, Love... and so i shall abstain from this emotion i shall have none, show none, entertain none... ties shall be cordial, conversations simple feelings, to be an empty void... and so i shall hope to change, to be one without compassion, to be one without love, to be one without passion...
but how simple will doing this be? how can distancing myself be easy? gah... still, lip service is easy, to do things, its easier said then done... so the deal of today:
woke up late, so almost didnt reach it in time... but still, managed to be in uniform all ready before parade started... and whoderful, the amount that Bro.Paul was talking...haha, though managed to distance myself...that any speeches passed by as quickly as the wind blows...useful skill ah... then, off to CCAB to Bhangra... took bus there while all other non UG and councillor had to walk... so, dined on prata while CJCians filed in slowly ... then, settled, did the dance, then headed back to Maris... yet, i do not know my purpose there, whether i'm welcome back or not... hostility and such... and then, mainly the rest of the damn day turned into a freaking mess gone to a class outing that gone kaput...dunno what's up man... class unity not there...so many acquaintances around, yet no real comradeship... then off to dinner at mostly Wenjie's expense, which i'm to say, made me think again, that he may face many insecurities, that he partially thinks that money may buy him friends, yet he doesn't know that they are already steadfast buddies... sigh, the things people do for their companions... so now at home, and at the worst dilemma ever... Basketball or PW? what was i thinking and doing man, to forget our project...is A' Level so unimportant to me? now really tired and burdened, due to false promises and such what am i to do? no one can tell me...its troubles that i've heaped on myself... compounded over time and procrastination
Scoundrel, Scumbag, Wastrel, What I've Become, Its Still A Fine Line Heavy Heavy Is My Heart Devoid Of Emotions? What For, Then, To Be A Human?
Another day has come and gone away
still the same old guy, now with even more heaps of guilt and hurt
maybe i think too much...
maybe i don even have that brain to think...
maybe I'm just a good for nothing,
good-for-nothing son,
good-for-nothing brother,
good-for-nothing friend,
good-for-nothing acquaintance...
just a waste of space, waste of the care and concern from friends and family...
not that my family knows anyway...or cares...
family of church is the same...only the few who show genuine concern,,,
the rest, maybe not hypocrites, just people who don wish to step out of their comfort zone
so what can i do? 4 years, and the only friends around are those who I've known for like my entire christian life...the rest? known them since i stepped in, yet still no more than cordial hellos...what a two sided coin, the reality of church really is...
on to school...
well, started with an adrenaline rush,
made it to school on the dot,
cos i rushed back home to retrieve a book...
so morning, mainly just high...high till just before school end...
then looked at the 2 people to my side, then fell into the precipice once again
spooked the people around me,
cos i started singing crazy and tune-less jumbo...
and let myself and friend down...
cant do a simple task for nuts sake, if this keeps up, this group will fall apart...
we have too many differences, too many schedule clashes...
and still i cannot find focus...
and still tomorrow must continue...
and still i have to live on,
for good or for worse...
anger management may be what i need... i dunno...i find it immensly difficult to hate people... cos somehow somewhere, what they have done or said, was by some upper scheme of things... just be angry, and then forget about it... why do you bear a grudge?
so alright... moody the whole day...cos of this nice friend of Cammie's early morning come in talk so loud... if it was me only sleeping, then maybe not so bad... but hey, XY was also in front...so ya, too tired to care too much, so i sorta let her choose my mood for the whole day... anger and well, mainly just shunning everyone... so sad, again i apologise to the friends around me... just ignore me, k? then when i'm almost back to normal... usually after a hearty meal, then start trying to talk to me... till then...i'll just be an indifferent grouch...
overall, the whole class was so...sian? so boring atmosphere... so...sickening...i think i have affected those sitting around me... Jess beside me so...tired all the time...always has the sigh look... but maybe it's my opinion? or maybe its just me... i dunno anymore...commitments...why do you ppl care so much... leave me be a while guys...when i happy, no one around is there to share that joy... then when everyone is jolly and smiling ear to ear...i fall into an indifferent mood... do i really draw the hate and misery, sorrow and difficulties from everyone and make it my happiness? maybe it's some innate ability...to draw from others... seriously...my mood seems very much vice-versa from others around me...oh wells... went for Bball trainin without a hitch... however, got scolded by Coach for non appearance... guess CCA records nothing left le la...sigh... oh wells...stupid decisions lead to stupid outcomes... and ya...maybe i'm fated to be alone... Go to school, go alone Go home, go alone Go tuition, go alone, occasionally see Joshua Back from tuition, go alone Go to outing, go alone, Come home, go alone... At home, just happy left alone... Outside, so very much happy to be alone... me and me and me... a happy life i lead...
Back To Square One Back To The Grim And Mire The Death Grip Of Quicksand The Sticky Pitfalls Of Swamplands
and so, seriously... GP sucks to the core... my teacher, who's undoubtely the best around, gave us a task, to write a 2 page AQ in 30 min guess what, failed to do even 1 page... what needs to be done? its not like i didnt try...its like a mental mind-block... i cannot put the words to paper...i listen , i read... the many phrases that my class can come up with... and yet, for all my vocabulary...nothing emerges...from this useless mass of protein... from that stupid shit of gray matter in between the skull... friends, its not about looking back...i cant even move forward!
maybe i need more time management... sigh, semi-distracted now... been days since played dota...and didnt enjoy one shit of it... tomorrow, i feel even more sorrow... cos there's basketball training? na...many more stuff to go around... dunno why, i hate anything physical i used to love sports, to run, swim... now...i cant bear to sweat, cant bear to do anything sweaty... feel like a sissy boy, worse than girls... yet, seriously...i just hate running now... no stamina anymore...at least not enough to suit the current pace i run at... gah...irritance... hate me more, i feel very isolated from myself... feel so...tired...like somehow...sigh, cant explain it... PW...no motivation to do anything about it... just feel like throwing in the towel... and ya, mystery friend came online today... had the a very fun and animated chat... miss her so much...why u had to go? maybe your leaving left a hole that no one else in class could fill... now i feel tears in my eyes...its platonic love... sigh...distance may separate us, but i'll always treasure this friendship, this short period of time we had...miss you much...Baby girl wants her russian witch back!
Disfigured Beyond Recognition A Scar I'll Bear For Life Flash Burns Of Hate Lacerations Of Love And Fractures Of The Mind
its just after tuition...and yet again i wonder why am i here... who am i to you? How in what way am i that "good friend" of yours... How in what way made you care... u say that i'm your friend...but... alright, i wont hurt the people who regard me as a budd.. i'll leave it as it is...
Early morn, to school, to hide the immense barang that i had to bring to school,namely my NPCC uniform... sigh...just thought of school work and homework...and about the test results of Chem... i really really have no clue further how to carry on, how to pick myself up... some beauties of my class said i was sweet...to that, i've no comment, maybe cos that was once me...perhaps never...i do not noe...not now, certainly not in the future... i mainly stayed awake the whole day, mainly cos i was doing stuff that distracted me from my main course...i feel that i've let Kat down, cos i didnt take charge of extra notes? it seems to stem from me only, the missing notes issue...sorry Kat... sigh...back to class, Alba told me that i should not fret too much about her no more... she said that my tiresome behaviour has roots in me being obsessed with her... i feel like i've let down someone else when she said that...made me reflect on how disgusting i truly was...but yet again, sigh...its totally my fault...and for that, i have to take blame... read Vanessa's letters from afar...and made me reminisce about times past and gone...of silly mistakes and hurtful words, embarrassing moments and...well, just fond memories... what did i read that made me feel so heartbroken? i simply have no idea...just that it made me...well, lukewarm feel i guess... and then GP...and seriously...i find that i'm a fiasco...nothing but an empty shell i cant do GP...really...for all the money in the world, AQ, Summary, Compre and lastly Essay...i cannot write to earn a single cent... in short i'm hopeless...an uncouth bum, who cannot do anything right... i noe my mistakes...so why is it so hard to correct them? someone tell me?
Living is so hard, yet to die is even more so... how i wish, that sentient thinking didn'texist that everyone was just a feeding, defecating, respiring, reproducing robot of flesh... that way, perhaps, I'll have less of this stinking worries i like to complain about... People will tell me to shape up or ship out... what will i do?
Always Taking The Easy Way Out Always Taking It Out Apologetic To Those Within Reach Sorry You Have To Feel Those Blows
so... and so... and so... apparently, i again did almost nothing productive again... stayed at home...this time with parents around? and still nothing happened...at least bio got done... yet, the maths was more important? gah...dreading tmr, but lets recap what went around today
woke up,(everyone does that), then slept again... and then slept some more... never more tired, never more stressed (its stressful to sleep you noe) imagine, what strange benefits over-sleeping creates... and still, i haven't slept off the anger, the brooding of the past week.... am i starving myself off God? i don really noe... its sad that most of my close buddies are God-fearing people, at least those who may see this... (not including Rach, PGH XY...) still... attempted to complete somewhat my homework left over... wished i had proper work attitude... more dilligence, more determination... so ya, as per above, i failed to do my work proper... left maths, PW contemplation... Its a mess, what dregs of life that i have left... new school week tmr, lets see what torture society can possibly inflict ah, the lament!
Obliteration and Desecration Profanation and Destruction Just In A "Hate The World" Kind Of Mood
oh well... whats up? today... fruitful or not? supposed to study with MQ and GH... kinda all PS each other...so, i stayed at home to study... TOTALLY BAD IDEA... suffering the repercussions of a day wasted... still...now its clearer...especially the stuff on Market Structure... its days like this, with nothing to talk about...that i wonder... my gal told me not to think too much... but hey, its bein so long? how can i not think? not in normal thinking, in-depth thinking... some times, loopy stuff like time travel...the cause and effect and then, things like...life...oh yes, my favourite, life and God... and then some... phliosophical me...all the crap and bullshit... Sarah, when i stone, and i stone so naturally, its cos i end up pondering on smth else...easily distracted la, me... haha...happy sad, i dunno...today has not been a favourite... sigh, tiresome and irritated...will it end?
Around That Stupid Bush Once More Round And Round And Round Again It Never Ends, The Circle Of Life
I'm so tired of being here Suppressed by all my childish fears And if you have to leave I wish that you would just leave 'Cause your presence still lingers here And it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal This pain is just too real There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears And I held your hand through all of these years But you still have All of me
You used to captivate me By your resonating light Now I'm bound by the life you left behind Your face it haunts My once pleasant dreams Your voice it chased away All the sanity in me
These wounds won't seem to heal This pain is just too real There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears And I held your hand through all of these years But you still have All of me
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone But though you're still with me I've been alone all along
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears And I held your hand through all of these years But you still have All of me
hi again... its your emo neighbourhood gaboohongee! and so...emo or not... guess not...today...sapped strength from the class... took their misery and dreary and turned it into my happy... twisted? perverted? i dunno...just felt better than normal today...though the class wasn't in that bad of a mood la... ok, i tell ya, i'm so deep in shit right now... my coach is hunting me down...going to be slaughtered.... ok, its just a lot of scolding... still...my eardrums are precious? gah...met with Huiling today... still, i dunno la...seemed to me that we are going in circles... but well, sorted some issues that were bothering me... life's easier by a bit again...hope it lasts... but ya, before that, went to St.Gab's... my 1st activity as a CI official posted to a unit... now i'm conflicted, now i'm confused... torn between duty and loyalty... MSHS or St.Gab's now...reforms and such... but its just a matter of gettin use to...see, the rationality...sometimes, i dunno man/ladies... oh wells...tmr, trying to go on a muggin spree with good buds MQ and GH dunno outcome, dunno determination...hope it helps long/short term... whatever the case, guess its sufficent fer the day...emo? or not? tell me pls...haha
Confused, Disturbed Office Politics, Class Gossips What More Next?
